Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

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By CNM Library Published on September 9, 2023

"Poly Secure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Non-Monogamy" by Jessica Fern is a game-changer for folks interested in or practicing polyamory or other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). The book aims to fuse attachment theory with the dynamics of CNM relationships, providing a nuanced understanding of how people in such relationships can create secure attachments.

Main Themes

Attachment Theory: Jessica Fern delves into how our attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, etc.) impact our relationships, especially in a CNM context.
Trauma and Its Role: Fern also tackles how past traumas can influence current relational dynamics and provides strategies for navigating this complexity.
Navigating Jealousy and Insecurity: She offers solid advice for managing jealousy and insecurity, which are common hurdles in CNM relationships.
Communication: A key component of the book is its focus on effective and empathetic communication as the bedrock of any healthy relationship, polyamorous or otherwise.

Structure of the Book:

The book is generally divided into several parts that take you from understanding attachment theory and trauma to practical applications and case studies. She even discusses child-rearing in a CNM context, which is an often-overlooked topic.

Why It Matters

Fern’s approach offers an emotionally intelligent framework for understanding CNM, a topic that’s often either sensationalized or stigmatized. It goes beyond the logistical or ethical aspects to look at the emotional and psychological underpinnings of CNM relationships.

Introduction

Jessica Fern sets the stage for what the book is about: combining attachment theory with consensual non-monogamy. She makes the case that understanding both can lead to healthier, more secure relationships.

Chapter 1: The Landscape of Consensual Non-Monogamy

Fern provides an overview of what CNM is and dispels some common myths. She talks about the different forms it can take, like polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.

Chapter 2: Understanding Attachment

This chapter is all about attachment theory. Fern explains the basic attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and how they play out in relationships.

Chapter 3: The Four S’s of Attachment

Here, Fern discusses the core needs for secure attachment: Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. She explains how fulfilling these needs can contribute to a feeling of security in relationships.

Chapter 4: Attachment in CNM

Fern delves into how attachment theory specifically applies to CNM relationships. She explores how different attachment styles can affect dynamics in a non-monogamous setting.

Chapter 5: Earned Security

This chapter is about the journey toward secure attachment, called "earned security." Fern provides strategies for working toward a more secure attachment style, even if you have an anxious or avoidant style to start with.

Chapter 6: The Intersection of Attachment and Trauma

Fern discusses how past traumas can influence attachment styles and provides guidelines for navigating these challenges within the framework of CNM.

Chapter 7: Taming the Green-Eyed Monster

Ah, the big one: jealousy. This chapter provides tips and strategies for managing jealousy and insecurity within CNM relationships.

Chapter 8: Communication & Boundaries

Fern emphasizes the importance of communication and setting healthy boundaries. She provides practical advice on how to communicate effectively in CNM relationships.

Chapter 9: The Impact on Children and Families

This chapter looks at CNM from the perspective of family life, including how to navigate child-rearing and familial responsibilities in a non-monogamous setting.

Chapter 10: The Future of Attachment & CNM

Fern wraps up by discussing future directions and ongoing conversations around the intersection of attachment theory and CNM, advocating for continued growth and understanding in this area.