How Does The Swinger Lifestyle Work?

Hi Rosie, how does the swinger lifestyle work? Is it best to go to a club or meet people in private? Is it like a free-for-all, or is it more personal than this? We have no idea what to expect but are curious.

When I received this question, How Does The Swinger Lifestyle Work, I knew I would enjoy diving into it and dissecting it further. Banishing the stigma associated with the lifestyle and challenging common misconceptions people have is one reason I started thiskindagirl in the first place.

Nearly three years into my endeavour, my work is not done. Wait right there while I get my cape; these swinger lifestyle myths must be busted!! Cue dramatic music, and poof! I reappear in a cloud of pink glittery smoke in my trade mark pink and black.

OK, maybe not, but one thing is for certain: I'll be sharing with you exactly how the swinger lifestyle works; no BS, no sexing it up; if you want to get the facts on swinging, you have come to the right place.

Misconceptions About Swingers

1. Everyone has an opinion about swinging or thoughts surrounding who swingers really are. And if you have watched any of my YouTube videos, you will know that 'I aim to educate people as to who swingers really are'. Swingers are ordinary people with regular jobs who live in normal houses. The only difference is they have decided to have an Ethically non-monogamous relationship.
2. Being a swinger doesn't mean they don't love each other, have some kind of sordid device, or wish to cheat on their partners; what it means is that sometimes (usually around once a month), they like to go to a club or meet with other swinger friends and maybe, enjoy being intimate with them. Perhaps, if that's what they are looking for.
3. Is swinging a free-for-all?
   
   No. So many people have asked me this over the last few years, and it's worrying to think that swinging is thought of in this way. I have never been to a club, party or event where 'free for all' swinger sex was being practised.
   
   You don't grab someone else's partner, you aren't paired off with another person, and you don't just 'get involved' with the action. I am sorry to disappoint you (those who have messaged me asking, 'Can I expect a free for all orgy at a swingers club?), but the Swinger community does not condone this kind of behaviour. Yes, there may be orgies happening, but consent still needs to be sought before you get involved. Find out more about what kind of behaviour is appropriate in a swingers club here.
    
4. Are there keys in a bowl?
   
   Ah, that old chestnut. Again, never have I attended a party where guests have placed their keys in a bowl. It's an urban myth and one that belongs along with pampas grass outside houses and tacky upside-down pineapples; in the bin.
    
5. Men force their wives into it.
   
   'She must be being forced into it'
   'She is only doing it to keep him happy.'

 
Swinging is a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy, and it is Ethical as it is practised without coercion or deception; all parties are aware of the relationship dynamic and agree that they are happy to be involved in whatever capacity suits them.

Ethical non-monogamy is the practice of having relationships or enjoying sex or other intimacies outside of a traditionally monogamous relationship.

I am not saying that there aren't instances where one partner is doing something to keep the other person happy (been there and done that), but most genuine couples who enjoy the lifestyle practice Ethical non-monogamy. Many swingers are extremely adept at spotting the people who perhaps are not involved for the right reasons.

The advice I share with my clients who want to start swinging

When I sit down with my clients who are entirely new to the scene but have a keen interest in learning more, I always lay out the options or routes they can take to enter the world of the swinger lifestyle. I will share that same information with you here so you, too, will have a clear understanding of how it works.

 
How To Join A Swinger Website

After you have spent time researching and fantasising, and only if you are ready to, it's time to take your next step.

Swingers in your area do exist if you know where to look! Here are some top tips:

• When using swinger sites, you can narrow your searches, enter your postcode and then select a 'mile radius' for the search area. Not all sites are like this; some might be more general, for example, 'North London,' but most are pretty accurate.
• Regardless of your choice, swinger sites are a great way to meet other swingers with similar interests, join in conversations, and familiarise yourself with the community.
• Some you can search by kink or fetish, others by sexuality. All have the basic filters for age, gender and who you seek (couples or singles).
• Some more established sites have many more features and apps that you can download, and some are rather basic.
• Some of the sites and apps that I recommend are SDC, SLS, FetLife, SwingHub App, and Pineapple App.

The Process For Signing Up To A Swingers Dating Site

• Sometimes, you have to submit a face picture of yourself (don't worry, only the admin sees this) when making a profile so they can certify that you are a real couple or a real person.  
• Being certified as 'genuine' is seen as having a significant advantage in the swinger world. Other swingers know that firstly, you are real, and secondly, you take your swinging seriously (the verification steps can be a little lengthy), so it pays off to go through the process.
• Most swinger sites have a paid membership option; you can only access the basic features unless you subscribe and pay. Yes, you can sign up and make an account for free, but this is where it ends. Learn more about the different types of swinger websites, including the pros and cons, here.
• Most sites want you to sign up for a more extended period and offer a cheaper option if you choose a few months instead of one month. There are, of course, 'lifetime' memberships or 'gold packages' if you are a serious swinger.
• Chat with other swingers, have some voice calls or Zoom calls, arrange some vanilla dates and make swinger friends! Swingers can also leave verifications, almost like reviews, on your swinger profile, and again, this holds a lot of weight in the online swinger world. These don't have to be in-person full-on meets, and you can still get a verification afterwards, so other users know you are real.
• I have found that discretion is essential to swinger websites, and if you do sign up and pay by direct debit, it won't appear on your bank statement as 'swinger website'.

How To Find A Swingers Party

As you spend time looking online, chatting with couples and getting to grips with the swinger scene, you may see adverts for parties happening locally, nationally, or even internationally! Attending one is a bold move and a scary and exciting prospect, in equal parts!

Whether you attend a smaller get-together (often discussed in local swinger chat rooms on the dating sites) or plan to attend a larger 'professionally' run party, you will no doubt be experiencing a mixture of apprehension, excitement and curiosity!

What will it be like? And who will you meet?

Here is a piece of advice I can't stress to you enough: there's no pressure to do anything! Just because amorous couples surround you in a club or you have met a swinger couple for a first date doesn't mean you have to partake in anything.

Watching and familiarising yourself with what goes on in a swingers club should be your priority. How does it make you feel? You may discover that you enjoy watching other couples or like being watched yourself. Take your time and move at your own pace.

Meeting swingers at parties or meetups are another way to exchange details. Perhaps you are new to a party and don't feel comfortable playing in a public setting just yet, but are happy to be approached by a couple and exchange details to meet later.

If you see a party or event that interests you, contact the hosts via the contact page, email address or social media handle. Write to them expressing your interest, and if they ask for your swinger dating site user name, be sure to submit it to them. Organisers ask for this as they like to check that you are familiar with the swinger scene, and more importantly, they are looking to see if you have any verifications from other members of the community- see how important this step is. If a host asks you for a voice call or to meet for a chat to discuss membership, then this is what you are expected to do. Remember, clubs get flooded with applications and requests from wannabes, so do as they ask when applying for membership.

Hi rosie can use i social media to find swinger's parties

Once you dip your toe into the online swinging world, you will discover swinger dating sites and swinger groups with members' pages. In addition, there are social media platforms such as Instagram and TikTok that people in the lifestyle industry use to advertise parties and swinger holidays, connect with other swingers, and share ideas and information. You can grow your swinger world through social media and connect with other like-minded people in your area.

Go on swingers first date--why are swinger dates important?

Whatever method you use to meet swingers, a swinger first date is vital if you all want to have a great time. You can discuss ideas and desires in a relaxed setting, and there's no pressure to play. You can test the water by having a 'vanilla' first date with another couple. After all, the four of you must have chemistry with your clothes on first! You need to understand what one another's limits are, what rules you have to follow and what your all hoping to gain from the experience.

By having a swinger's first date in a neutral environment, in a coffee shop or perhaps an informal restaurant, you can focus on how being around the other couple made you feel. Are these the sort of people you want to get naked with? Are they comfortable and secure? Do they share your views on the importance of safe sex? If you are not sure of what to ask a swinging couple, check out 15 top questions to ask swingers for some inspiration!

Understand the importance of Swinger Rules

Understand that everyone has rules and boundaries they are following.

Everyone involved in the swinger lifestyle style will be following their own rules and boundaries regarding what they are and are not OK with participating in. For some couples, it could be that they simply like to watch and only wish to play with one another within the confines of a club.

Understanding that swingers have rules and boundaries is really important and one element that many inexperienced people fail to recognise; this is why swinging isn't a free-for-all, and consent and communication are always number one.

But it's not just recognising that others have rules and boundaries that go overlooked. In fact, one common mistake many new swingers make is that they fail to develop their own limits. This means they sometimes end up partaking in far more than they are comfortable with or getting involved in scenarios they don't enjoy. Once you have decided what you are and are not OK with, the next step is to have the confidence to discuss your desires with others. Remember, someone who knows what they like and doesn't and isn't afraid to share this information is someone who is confident, and confidence is key.

Rosie Kay