What Is Being A Swinger Like?

I have been in the swinger Lifestyle for over 10 years now, so I would like to think that I have a pretty solid understanding of what being in the scene is all about.

Over the last ten plus years, I have met both amazing swingers and awful ones. I have been in situations that have not gone as planned, met some really creepy individuals, had some underwhelming experiences, but on the whole, its been an absolute pleasure; after all, I’ve been doing it, and doing it again for quite a while now so I guess it can’t all be bad!

It works for me like this; I meet couples and singles in clubs and play with them…I have my boundaries and rules that I stick to; I know what I like and what I don’t.

When I look back at how I was when I first started; insecure, jealous, lacking in confidence, compared to how I am now; confident, in control, accepting of who I am, I begin to think about the journey that I have been on.

And now I want to share with you what being a swinger is really like.

I now am the proud owner and creator of Thiskindagirl, so I think it’s time I shared my life with you. What has shaped me, and what has challenged me? What have I overcome to be where I am today? Let me share with you what being a swinger is like, coming from the woman who writes about what being a swinger is like…

WHAT DO SWINGERS DO?

Ah! this is a question that I have been asked a lot over the years, and it’s one there isn’t really a straightforward answer to, but I’ll do my best to condense it down.

Swinging is a form of Ethical Non-Monogamy, which in itself is an umbrella term for everything that isn’t monogamy. ‘Swinging’ is quite an outdated term, and although I do write about the swinger lifestyle and swinging clubs, I do also refer to it as ENM. The term swinger is often associated with the free love movement of the 1960s, and once you go there, your brain goes to wife swapping, pampas grass and car keys in a bowl. Ew! Let’s stop right there!

Modern-day swingers can be anyone, and within the Lifestyle, you find men, women, couples, bisexuals, gay people, trans people, non-binary people and straight people. You get those in open marriages, those who practice relationship anarchy, and cuckold relationships, to name but a few.

If you decide to practice Ethical Non-Monogamy, you consciously decide with your partner to involve other people within your relationship, regardless of whether you are directly involved or not.

When you are both aware of your decision to be open and have a set of rules and boundaries that you adhere to, you are, for me, leading an ethically non-monogamous life.

SINGLE PEOPLE CAN BE SWINGERS TOO

Ok, so here’s where it gets complicated, well, not so much complicated, but alternative. So single people can swing too, and as a single girl in the Lifestyle, I am living proof that you don’t have to be in a relationship to swing.
I’ve been called an ‘animal’, been rejected on dates and had people try to make me choose between the Lifestyle and them…

It works for me like this: I meet couples and sometimes singles in clubs and play with them. I enjoy having sex with both men and women. I have my boundaries and rules that I stick to; I know what I like and what I don’t, and if I do meet a potential partner, I’m upfront about who I am and what I like.

It’s a bold way to be, but for me, it’s the only way to be!

Sometimes single girls are known as unicorns of the scene and that’s because they are rare. But we are growing! I have seen an explosion of single-swinger women post-pandemic!

IT’S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO FIND OTHER SWINGERS

Finding people you want to swing with, who you connect with, who are available when you are, who tick all the right boxes is hard! Sure, there are plenty of swingers out there on the swinger dating sites, but finding the time to meet up and managing the logistics can prove to be tricky! This is one reason why going to swinger clubs can be an easier option for many people.

IT BECOMES PART OF YOUR IDENTITY

Having been part of a swinger couple and now swinging as a single woman, when I first became single, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in the Lifestyle, or how I would feel after coming out of a long-term relationship about meeting couples.

I gave it some serious thought and considered what being in the Lifestyle meant to me. I realised that being Ethically Non-Monogamous was who I was; I identify as Bisexual after all. Regardless of who I am in a relationship with, I will always feel drawn towards men and women. Although I was hesitant about venturing into the Lifestyle alone, I realised that I was unwilling to give it up once I started.

It really is who I am as a person. It’s how I identify, and I can’t turn it off.

JEALOUSY IS PART OF THE LIFESTYLE

Even the most experienced and established swinger couples experience jealousy. When I was dating S, a fellow bisexual swinger who had been in the Lifestyle for a long time, he used to get the odd pangs of jealousy when seeing me having sex with other men.It is essential to remember that jealousy is an entirely natural emotion, and we all experience it from time to time.

We spoke about it, explored why that was and found ways to overcome it as a couple. We usually did this by simply having an open and honest conversation and explaining how we were both feeling.

We would then find a middle ground where we were both happy with the situation and compromise where necessary.

It is essential to remember that jealousy is an entirely natural emotion, and we all experience it from time to time. The only time it becomes a problem is when we let our jealous emotions eat away at us. The sooner we talk about what we are experiencing, the better.

Even if it is an uncomfortable conversation.

IT MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

Swinging is such a broad term, as is Ethical Non-Monogamy. Over the years, I have discovered that there are many different ways to enjoy the Lifestyle; there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach.

For many swinger couples, although they ‘open’ up their relationship, they actually become closer through swinging.

Some couples enjoy fully swapping with others and attend parties week in week out. Others swing maybe once or twice a year on holiday; others attend clubs to watch their partners have sex with other people and have no inclination to get involved themselves.

Some people only play with single guys or single girls, and some single people only like attending certain parties.

Although all these reasons are different, one common theme is found within most swinger couples. For many people, pretty much all of them, although they have opened up their relationship, they have become closer through swinging. It’s a strange realisation that many couples have. But the trust, honesty and emotional intimacy that successful swinging requires means that many couples become closer.

IT CAN GET UNCOMFORTABLE AT TIMES

Uncomfortable situations, awkward conversations, embarrassing moments, and complicated emotions; being Ethically Non Monogamous means you will experience at least one of these.

There are plenty of times I have been rejected as both a single female and when I have been in a couple

But, to become familiar with the Lifestyle, and discover what it is you want to experience, you have to talk about it!

The first step is to discover what you want to experience and draw up your own fantasies and ideas about what you might enjoy. The next step is to have a conversation about facilitating those desires. Whether that’s with a partner, other swingers, or even a club owner-perhaps you want to experience a specific type of play?

Rejection can also be uncomfortable, and there are plenty of times I have been rejected as both a single female and when I have been in a couple. I have also had to reject other swingers, and it never gets any easier! But it’s better than simply stringing people along or giving them the wrong impression.

OTHERS MAY NOT THINK YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS VALID

It can be really hard to be taken seriously if you identify as ENM. People often assume that I either don’t ever want to ‘settle down, I never want children, or I am ‘lost’ somehow. Firstly, I am ‘settled’- I’m living the life I want; secondly, give me a reason to want to procreate with you, and I might consider it, and thirdly, lost? Oh baby, I’m home!

I’ve been called an ‘animal’, been rejected on dates and had people try to make me choose between my Lifestyle and them, but I have always maintained that this is the way I am, and I can’t turn it off.

Yes, being in an Ethically Non Monogamous relationship is different, but it doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t enjoy all the things monogamous people do. The number of fellow swingers who work the 9-5, have small children and pay the mortgage just like everyone else is, well, normal. Just because they also like to visit a swinger club every once in a while it doesn’t mean their relationship is any less valid than people who don’t.

THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A SWINGER

So, I know I spoke earlier about how opening up your relationship brings you closer together, and there’s a similar realisation if that occurs if you are a single person.

It’s liberating not to get caught up in jealous behaviour patterns.

For me, one of the best things about being a swinger is that I can explore all parts of my sexuality, and I’m surrounded by people who accept me the way I am; I don’t have to hide away the fact that I’m Bisexual. When I meet other single girls in clubs, they know exactly what the deal is. And when I meet couples, it’s so refreshing to be able to play with them both, without the fear of jeopardising their relationship or one of them becoming attached to me.

And when I am in a relationship, I love having emotional intimacy and emotional exclusivity with my partner, whilst both being able to explore sexually with others. It’s liberating not to get caught up in jealous behaviour patterns and accept that, yes, he will have sex with other women, but what we have is unique and special.

To be free of those limiting inhibitions that are so common within monogamous relationships is one of the best feelings for me. I don’t need to lie about finding other people attractive or lie about who I have met or whether I had sex with them. And neither does he.

Rosie Kay