Male Insecurities And Swinging- Help! I Can’t Get Hard! Recently, I received a question from one of my male followers, who wanted to ask for my thoughts on male sexual performance, and how did I feel about it when a guy loses his erection during a swingers party? Could I share any insight into how men could deal with this and how does it make women feel? Was there a right or wrong way to deal with it? Is there any ‘Erectile Disfunction Etiquette’ that should be followed?

There’s more to it than a rush of blood…it pays to know exactly what is going on within your body, to give yourself the best chance of getting hard…

First of all, it is important to recognise that so many things have to be right for a man to get an erection. So, it pays to know exactly what is going on within your body, to give yourself the best chance of getting hard. Hormones need to be released, and your arteries need to be working efficiently to carry blood to your penis. Your nervous system needs to be working, and the mind and body need to be communicating in perfect harmony.

Luckily, your body does all this automatically, but there are things you can do to help yourself along the way.

Now, although I don’t have a penis, what I do have is a lot of swinger party, and sex experience. So although I don’t know what it is like per se, I aim to understand how a man might feel and gain some perspective as to what we can do as fellow swingers and swinger women to put a guy’s mind at ease.

I have been in many swinger party situations where my partner or other men have lost their erection. And rest assured, there is most definitely some advice to be shared!

The question I received sounded a little like this, so if you in any way can relate to what this guy is saying, then I suggest you listen up;

Dear Thiskindagirl,

I belive that one of the greatest challenges to being a man is how he deals with failed erections.

Few men have never experienced one, and my feelings when it used to happen were ‘she’s not going to want me anymore’, or ‘she’s going to think she’s not exciting enough.’

I would love to know your thoughts on when a man isn’t as hard as he could be during sex?’

He went on to state that these days, the pleasure he gets from sex derives much more from the judicious use of his mouth and fingers, so he feels his erectile performance is less important because of this.

WHY DESTINATION PENETRATION ISN’T DOING IT FOR ME

When we make having an orgasm our primary goal and objective, we apply so much more pressure to ourselves than we need to.

There’s More Than One Way To Get There.

Sometimes, especially when discussing sex and sexual performance, we place far too much pressure on ourselves.

Men do it; women do it; couples do it. We are all guilty of falling into the mindset that orgasm can only be achieved when penetrative sex is enjoyed, and unless an orgasm is reached in this way from both partners, then the sex is not ‘proper sex’.

However, we all know that having an eye-rolling orgasm, having a rock-solid erection and cumming in copious amounts is not really how sex is. Is it?

When we make experiencing an orgasm our primary goal and objective, we apply so much more pressure to ourselves than we need to. Sure, we can aim to orgasm; and bring ourselves and our partners to orgasm, but remember, there’s more than one way to do something, and that way might be right too.

Now, I do understand the science behind why we have orgasms (which I believe deserves an article all of its own) and why they are an essential part of sexual intimacy, but my point here is that it’s not all about penetrative sex and copious amounts of thrust in order to get there.

In the message I received, the sender, I’ll call him G, states that these days he no longer feels his erectile performance is as important due to other means of stimulation he enjoys with his partner. I know I’m probably going to get some stick for this, and yes, penetrative sex can and does result in orgasm, but what I’m saying is I believe that it only makes up part of the sexual experience.

WHAT IF I CAN’T GET HARD WHEN I AM AT A SWINGERS PARTY?

Feeling under ‘pressure’ to perform is damaging, especially for first time male swingers.

When I asked my fans over on Instagram what their concerns regarding sexual insecurities and swinging were, one of the most popular responses I received was, ‘what if I can’t get hard?’

Now, I don’t have a penis, and I don’t know what it is like not to be able to get hard. However, I have been with enough men and been in enough swinger situations over the years to have experienced their frustrations first-hand.

Here are a few words of wisdom from your girl on the inside 🙂

First of all, cut yourself some slack. No man has ever walked into a swingers club and instantly got hard, stayed hard, orgasmed multiple times, and got boner after boner.

 
Well, he might, but there’s no way that he has achieved this without medical intervention.

I have been in situations where I have been having sex with a guy, and, for no apparent reason, he has lost his erection. And there have been times that guys have been having sex with me, and it has begun to feel sore. The best thing we can do in this situation is simply not make a big deal out of it.

It happens. It is part and parcel of having sex.

Men lose their erections.

Women can feel sore.

Sometimes, when I am having sex, it can begin to hurt or feel uncomfortable, especially if I have been at a party for a few hours.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not into you or you are not doing it right. In fact, it can sometimes mean I’m into it a little too much! It can be whatever is going on in my body, mind, or around me. At times, I like to stop halfway through as I like to change the type of sex I am having.

Suppose you feel you’re losing your erection. In that case, suggesting you enjoy other intimacies such as oral sex or mutual masturbation can be a great way to still be intimate without the pressure of having penetrative sex.

Feeling under ‘pressure’ to perform is damaging, especially for first time male swingers. If you have never been to a club or swingers party, then there’s a good chance that in your mind, the expectation on you to be hard and remain hard is a given.

Let me clarify a few things; firstly, no one has sex for hours on end. You can play with people for a time, stop, grab a drink, chat, meet other people, play with them, and then relax again. I’ve never been to a party where it’s been straight down to business, sex, solid for 4 hours!

In a club, it’s pretty much the same; you chat, you have sex, you have a drink, you have sex again. There’s no do or die!

Over the years, I have begun to appreciate that you don’t have to have penetrative sex at a swingers party to have a great time. If you know that you will struggle to maintain your erection, and are concerned about not being able to satisfy your play partners, then become great at other forms of sex and intimacy.

Going back to the question I received from G, remember he clearly states that;

‘these days, the pleasure I get from sex derives much more from the judicious use of my mouth and fingers, so I feel my erectile performance is less important because of this.’

But I believe it’s not just men that can benefit from shifting their attention away from having penetrative sex. If like me, your vagina sometimes feels like it’s waving a white flag in surrender, then you must take time out. In my opinion, enjoying oral sex, using vibrators, or using other sex toys can all be equally as satisfying.

WHAT WOMEN CAN DO TO PUT A GUYS MIND AT EASE

Sadly, men are expected to have a lot of sexual stamina, and it pays for women to understand that sometimes guys need time out.

You are having a great time with a guy, you are in a club, clothes are off, and you’re having awesome sex, just the way you like. It’s getting hotter and hotter, and then, without warning, you feel his dick start to go soft. What do you do? This has happened to me; in fact, it occurred recently. Here’s what I did!

The most important thing to remember in a situation like this is blaming him or making it about your insecurities is one of the worst things you could do. Saying things like ‘you don’t want me’ or ‘Is it because you think I’m fat?’ or ‘is it because you don’t fancy me?’ these are quite possibly the three worst passion killers any guy may have the misfortune to hear.

The last thing he needs is to be bombarded with questions; it doesnt matter if you are in a relationship or have met at the party. Being supportive about it is the only way to be. I know that it is hard when we face rejection (in any form) not to jump to conclusions and press for answers, but this really isn’t going to be beneficial.

In these situations, I find that the guy is quite embarrassed, and even though a lot of the judgement is in a man’s head, he will still feel he is being judged. Sadly, men are expected to have a lot of sexual stamina, and it pays for women to understand that sometimes guys need time out.

Asking him if he would like to go and grab a drink, chill out or enjoy some oral sex or mutual masturbation will usually, in my experience, be well received. The less a big deal you make out of it, the more positive the experience for the both of you.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOURSELF

The pressure you place on yourself will always be your worst enemy. We are our own worst critics; we always focus on what we should have done, how we could have done better and what other people are doing…

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that excess drink, drugs (both illegal and some prescription medication), stress, anxiety and poor lifestyle contribute to erectile dysfunction in male swingers. Feeling distracted, under pressure to perform, stressed or anxiously worrying about how you look will all have a negative impact on your sexual enjoyment.

Of course, you can take pills to help maintain your erection, and you should always discuss this with a pharmacist or your doctor before deciding to use them.

I have had boyfriends in the past who have bought viagra and used it when we have attended clubs together. The results were as expected but always speak to a medical professional before taking them.

I don’t want to nag you; that’s not what I’m here for, I promise, but sometimes (and this doesn’t just apply to men) understanding what’s going on inside our bodies and taking care of ourselves so that we can enjoy sex is so important. When we feel good inside, it shows on the outside. Cutting back on the fags and fatty food and doing some cardiovascular activity will help to get that blood pumping to all the right places.

The most important thing to remember is that the pressure you place on yourself will always be your worst enemy. We are our own worst critics; we always focus on what we should have done, how we could have done better and what other people are doing compared to ourselves. The judgement we fall victim to very often comes only from ourselves. There’s a huge double standard when it comes to sexual performance, with men being expected to last a long time and have a lot more stamina than females. And whilst many men may have a lot of sexual stamina, always remember that there isn’t a right or wrong way to have sex.

There’s more than one way to do something, and that way might be the right way too.

Rosie Kay