This is part 3 of the followng 3 part series.

1. Consensual Non-Monogamy and Other Variations
2. Introducing Your Partner to Consensual Non-Monogamy
3. You're ready to try the Lifestyle--Now what?

How to Find Other Lifestyle People

You and your partner have been talking about Consensual Non-Monogamy. You feel like you're ready to meet people with similar interests. Now what? You are thinking about some friends who are risque and very flirtatious. Should you approach them?

It's notoriously tricky to figure out whether another couple is already part of the Lifestyle or a likely candidate for conversion. Many people entertain non-monogamous sexual fantasies. However, only some people take action to make their dreams a reality.

Attempting to identify and connect with other participants in the Lifestyle is a risky enterprise. About 5% of the US population is involved in consensual non-monogamy (swinging, polyamorous, etc.). That means 95% of the US population is not engaged in consensual non-monogamy. So the odds are not in your favor.

You might have a flirtatious relationship with another couple whose steamy innuendos and double entendres titillate your imagination. However, just because your friends enjoy creating sexual tension doesn't mean they really want sex.

You may be the right couple, in the right place, at the right time. However, it's also possible that while they harbor sexual fantasies and enjoy flirting with you, they will tip-toe right up to the line and then chicken out. To preserve their dignity, they may claim they were only joking. However, you are left having exposed your intentions. They now have gossip to share within your mutual social network. Your disclosure may permanently change the nature of your relationship with this couple.

You may have little to risk reputation-wise. You are not an elementary school teacher who might be fired. You are not active duty military, where any form of non-monogamy, consensual or not, might get you into trouble. You do not hold political office where your opponents might make hay out of any aspect of your personal life. Your wife does not come from a conservative family who would be shocked and horrified by receiving such news. If so, you may want to risk it.

Consider that many, likely a majority, of the people in the Lifestyle have reason to keep their activities discreet. If you are not discreet, many people in the Lifestyle will avoid you.

I recommend you only consider people who are definitively in the Lifestyle. If you wish to attempt propositioning flirtatious friends, wait until you have some Lifestyle experience.

Join an Online Community

Join an online community. It's an easier way to meet people who share your same interests. Unlike propositioning couples at the local bar, nobody will say, "I cannot believe you asked me such a thing!". Everyone is here for the same reason. Everyone has the same exposure. Membership on a lifestyle website typically runs about $30 per month. However, you get a discount if you pay for 12 months upfront.

Be aware that there are different business models for these websites. Some larger websites (AFF comes to mind) base their revenue model on appealing to the never-ending stream of lonely single males who want to "Get Laid Tonight!". The unrelenting interest from these folks can be a negative experience for many.

There are smaller online communities that appeal specifically to couples. Because their ads do not target single males, their population of single males is considerably smaller. The single males they do have are better behaved.

Create your Online Profile

Creating your couple's profile is a great way to have erotically charged conversations with your partner. How will you describe yourselves? Who and what are you looking for? You'll need to provide some photos of yourselves. You will probably need to take a few new photos. Maybe some new lingerie for the photos?

You will continually update your profile as you become more comfortable in the Lifestyle and your desires and boundaries evolve. Your profile doesn't have to be perfect; it just needs to capture a snapshot of who you are and what you are looking for now.

What are You Looking For?

Creating your online profile will help drive conversations about sexual desires and boundaries.

Discuss what types of experiences you'd like in terms of 

• Level of emotional intimacy.
• Autonomy vs. collaboration with partner
• Sexual orientation
• Sexual acts—which ones you desire and which ones you do not

This subject is too big for this article. However, you should delve deeply into these topics while creating your online profile.

Look for Meet-N-Greet Events

Meet-n-Greets are social-only meetups allowing Lifestylers to mingle and socialize without sexual pressure. They often look like a cocktail hour. They might reserve a private room at a bar or restaurant. They might take place at a local winery after hours.

Get your beer, a glass of wine, soda water, and a plate of hors d'oeuvres, and mingle. "Hi! We are brand new. How long have you guys been in the Lifestyle? How's the journey been so far?". It really is that easy. You are all there for the same reason. People in this Lifestyle tend to be more social and gregarious than average.

Most people will be helpful to newcomers. They may clue you in on other meet-n-greets in the area. People might offer to exchange online handles. If so, you can contact each other later to gauge mutual interest.

Meet-n-Greets are also a place where you can earn a Verified badge. Some online communities provide a Verified badge. The Verified badge means that other people in the community have met you--in person--and you appear to be who you say you are. Your profile accurately describes you as a single or a couple. You resemble your photos in height, weight, age, etc. Both couple members are present and appear to be on the same page.

Sometimes at meet-n-greets, you will run into people who host small private lifestyle parties at their homes. Parties hosted in a community where everyone knows everyone else can be a great experience. It depends on the host, who they invite, and how they facilitate these parties.

Contact Members in Your Online Community

After you've set up your profile, search for other members who whet your interest.

• Do exchange several messages to ensure you are looking for the same things.
• Spend a little time establishing a rapport with your potential friends.
• Limit how much time you spend trying to build a personal connection online.

Fakes and Flakes

It's easy to spin your wheels and waste time in the Lifestyle. You think you are connecting with another couple who is almost ready to play with you. But in reality ...

• The guy you are talking to has not even mentioned you to his wife.
• The guy you are talking to is talking to his wife, but they will only be ready to meet people in person in 3 - 4 months, not now.
• The guy you are talking to is just a photo collector.
• The guy you are talking to isn't even in a relationship. He hopes to show up by himself with some story about his wife, who couldn't make it this time. He thinks he might get lucky and somehow turn this into a threesome, eventually.
• That woman you are talking to is a middle-aged man. He gets his kicks by pretending to be a unicorn. 

The Group Phone Call

Real couples know all too well about the Fakes and Flakes of the Lifestyle. If you are chatting with a real couple interested in playing with you, they won't have any problems hopping on a four-way, 10-minute phone call. If that's too difficult, arrange a 10-minute phone call between your woman and their woman. Check-in and make sure everyone is on the same page.

After you've messaged with people to establish mutual interests, desires, and boundaries, offer to set up a four-way phone call. After that, I would only spend a little time chatting with them, whatever is necessary to set up that phone call. Spend your time chatting with other people instead.

Insisting on a phone call will eliminate about 60% of the problems that cause you to waste your time. You don't even have to do anything. Just offer to set up the phone call and stop chatting with them. At least 60% of these people are just going to go away. If they aren't ready for a phone call now, they might be ready in 2 - 3 months.

Consider how you want to receive phone calls. Do you want to give out your mobile phone numbers to strangers? Maybe not. Several options allow you to use something other than your phone number to talk to people.

• CNM4US Chat Audio Calls: Our premium chat feature offers Peer-to-Peer audio calling. In chat, arrange a time for a call. When you are both logged into the site, and on chat, you can just click the telephone icon. Then, they can pick up the chall call, and you can both tallk to each other just like a regular phone call. Only, you didn't have to give up your phone number. How cool is that?
• Zoom Meetings: Free starter accounts allow for group audio/video calls of up to 40 minutes. You can install the app on Android or iOS. The audio/video is excellent. So then you can see each other as well. After creating a meeting link in the Zoom app, you can send it to their email address or provide it to them via messaging. The other party must install the zoom app on their phone, but they are not required to have their own account.

The Social-Only Meetup

Your goal is to arrange a social-only meetup of at most 1-hour. All that really matters is your in-person chemistry with this other couple. Some people present better online, and some people present better in person. Keep your online communication to a minimum and arrange a 1-hour social-only meetup.

Keep your social-only meetups inexpensive and located conveniently to you. When we first started, we scheduled meetups at nice restaurants. We didn't realize how many NOs we would have to go through before we got to a YES. Sitting through an entire dinner at a nice restaurant is excruciating when you realize you are not compatible in the first 5 minutes. Instead, plan on a glass of wine, beer, hors d'oeuvres, or small plates. Plan on a maximum 1-hour window so you can make your exit. If you hit it off--great! You can extend your stay a little.

Plan on going through 6 - 10 NOs before you get to a YES. Why is that? Let me count the ways.

• The couple is 15 years older than their profile photos and 30 lbs heavier. No.
• They both drink too much and monopolize the conversation. No.
• The woman doesn't talk much and has a trapped deer-in-the-headlights look about her. No.
• They are married, just not to each other. The two of them are having an affair and swinging (this actually happened to us). No.
• The male in one of the profiles hoped his wife would agree to meet you. She might have said NO or still be contemplating whether she wants to meet you. So, they didn't show up--canceled at the last minute. No.
• That attractive couple who appeared to be about your age .... they're a middle-aged man who entertains himself by catfishing. He's never going to meet you. He's going to string you along as long as he can. That's how he gets his kicks. No.
• You know they are no good with a camera or app filters because they look better in person than in their photos. They get along well together. They laugh and flirt together. They don't drink too much. They have some entertaining stories but are good active listeners and curious about your lives and adventures. You find you have some common ground outside the Lifestyle. There is chemistry. You are both attracted to them. Yes!

When scheduling these social-only meetups, plan for attrition. Half of these meetings will cancel, fail to confirm, or ask to reschedule at the last minute.

Don't answer YES or NO here. You scheduled this meeting to give you and your partner a good look and feel for this couple. Now the two of you can discuss your thoughts and feelings together.

You can contact the couple later if you want a more private get-together. If the couple reaches out to you and you are uninterested, you can say something vague, like "We are not feeling a four-way match." That's true and not too specific. Most people will not ask for anything more than that. It's never helpful to give a reason more specific than that.

Newbie Challenges

People experienced in the Lifestyle tend to avoid newbies for two reasons.

1. Newbies have lots of rules about what they will and won't do. People who have been around for a while feel like, "Been there. Done that". They don't want to go through that phase again.
2. Many new couples are NOT on the same page. One partner is overly eager and dragging a reluctant partner behind them. Nobody wants to have sex with an unwilling partner. If people just wanted a human body, they would hire a sex worker. It would be easier and less expensive. People are looking for a real human connection and some mutual desire. You cannot fake that. You cannot coerce someone into that. If other couples sense that, they will label you as "not on the same page," Word will spread through the community and other people will avoid you like the plague.

Some seasoned Lifestyle couples are okay playing with newbies so long as they are confident that the new couple is on the same page. A couple who is on the same page is more likely to transition into the Lifestyle successfully. In addition, that seasoned couple may be around when the new couple becomes more adventurous. That's what happened to us 15 years ago. First, we had some rules--soft swap only. Then, we met a couple that had been around for a while. They were kind, smart, funny, and respectful of our rules and boundaries. By the 3rd or 4th date, we had moved from soft swap to full swap.

To establish that you and your partner are on the same page, couples might ask to set up a four-way phone call or a phone call between your woman and their woman. Are you prepared to communicate clearly and confidently about your desires and boundaries with this other couple? If not, you should have more conversations with your partner.

Lifestyle folks tend to be more sociable than average. We joke that 50% of the reason we pursue this hobby is for the pillow talk. We love to meet new people and have intimate conversations about our lives. There is something about being naked in a bed together that really opens up those conversations. There are lots of other couples like us.

We would play with newbies--so long as we were sure they were both on the same page.

Maybe they aren't even ready for a soft swap. Perhaps they would just like to try parallel play. Both couples could have sex with their usual partners in the same room so that we could see one another--exhibitionism/voyeurism. That could be fun for us as long as we sensed it would be fun for the other couple. For a brand new couple, that might feel naughty and adventurous. All that matters is that they both genuinely feel that this activity would be fun for them. However, a newbie couple must do all the heavy lifting to convince us they are on the same page.

It's true that not all couples feel like we do or like our mentors did. Some folks have hectic lives and have no patience for new couples. But trying to get your partner to move faster than their comfort level is NOT the answer.

The best that you can do is talk with each other. Make sure that you are on the same page. Don't pressure your partner to move faster than their comfort level.

A Note of Caution

Everyone is interested in sex. Kind, smart, funny, emotionally intelligent, charming, and attractive people are interested in sex. Emotionally stunted people with personality disorders and chemical dependencies are interested in sex.

20% of the general population has a personality disorder or severe mental health issues. These issues include but are not limited to, Cluster B Personality Disorders like Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, or Narcissistic Personality Disorders. Add to that, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, severe Anxiety and Depression, and Anger Management problems. Add to that various forms of alcoholism and chemical dependencies. Finally, let's not forget about Sex (and Love) Addiction. I'm not talking about people with diagnosed problems who use medication and therapy to deal with them. They are not the problem. I'm talking about people who are undiagnosed and/or not receiving treatment.

Every day, we walk by these people or interact with them briefly. Usually, it's no problem. Our interactions are limited. We are not taking our clothes off and getting into bed with them.

When you first get into the Lifestyle, resist the temptation to think of everyone as part of a new, open-minded vanguard of a sexual renaissance. Yes, you will meet some truly great people in the Lifestyle. I hope you are open to some of them becoming close friends for a long time. But be cautious when bringing new people into your intimate sexual space. Most people can be charming when looking for sex--even people you would typically not want anything to do with.

Interviewing Your Potential Play Mates

You've chatted somebody up on your online community's messaging app. You scheduled a quick 4-way phone call. You agreed to meet at a local bar or restaurant. You arrived first and secured a table. You scanned the place and checked for new arrivals. There they are! They wave, come over and greet you both. Everyone takes a seat. Everyone figures out what they want and places their orders. The wait staff leaves.

Of course, there's the obligatory small talk. How was the traffic? Thanks for meeting us. When did you discover this place? Etc... But then what?

You are the newbies, and they hopefully have more experience than you. So it's only natural that you would ask them about their experiences with the Lifestyle. For example, how long have you been together? Are you married? How long have they been in the Lifestyle? Who initiated getting them into the Lifestyle—was it him or her? And generally, how has it been going for them? Any funny stories? Any cautionary tales? Do you get the feeling that they are both on the same page?

They are going to ask some similar questions of you. Who's idea was this? It was most likely the man's idea. Then they will turn toward your partner and ask, "so what do you think about all of this"? They want to know if you two are on the same page. The woman, or non-instigator, should be prepared to speak freely about her perspective on agreeing to check out the Lifestyle. If the woman looks confident, self-assured, comfortable, and playful, the other couple will say, "Yes, they are on the same page." If the woman is very hesitant about her answers, or if she is constantly looking toward her partner to see if she's replying correctly, or if her answers are short, and she doesn't expound on anything, then the other couple is going to get the impression that "No. They are not on the same page."

Between your questions and stories about the Lifestyle, you are looking to see if there's any chemistry. Do you have any common ground outside the Lifestyle? Do you think the same things are funny? What is the eye contact and conversation like between the respective playmates? My advice is to be yourselves. You are not going to get along with everyone. That's okay. Letting people see all of you will mean that the matches you do make are more enjoyable. Some of these matches will result in social networking into larger groups. By showing your authentic self, you will end up in social networks aligned with your values and perspectives.

You and your partner don't need to be up for anything and everything. It is only natural that, in the beginning, new people will have more limitations. What's important is that you and your partner feel comfortable and confident in expressing what you're up for now and your current limits and boundaries.

Hopefully, in your profile, you mentioned what types of activities you two are open to and what boundaries and limitations you have. However, now is an excellent time to check in with your potential playmates to ensure they read your profile and are tuned into your desires and boundaries.

If you guys are open to soft swap but not to any form of intercourse, then tell them that. If you want to try parallel play (exhibitionism and voyeurism), where you can watch each other but not interact, that's okay too. Tell them if you are only up for same-room play, which I would recommend initially.

Whatever your boundaries and limitations are now, that's okay. What that other couple wants to see is that you share a sense of excitement and adventure about those things you want to try.

The assumption for these social-only meetings is that everyone will talk to their partner afterward and get back in touch if there's any interest. Sometimes people will press you for a reaction before parting ways. I've found it easier to maintain a uniform, "we'll talk about it and get back to you." Most people won't press this.

Afterward--the Discussion with Your Partner

This discussion with your partner is far more important than whether you schedule a date with these folks or not. You brought up the idea of consensual non-monogamy. Your partner has entertained this discussion to the point of helping you set up a profile on a Lifestyle community website. They agreed to meet strangers in a local bar or restaurant. All of this means your partner is most likely open to consensual non-monogamy. Your goal is to provide your partner opportunities and support until they find the right situation. 

Let your partner's observations and concerns shape your approach to contacting other couples. Typically, the man is reaching out to other couples and filtering incoming requests from other couples. To remain on the happy path to consensual non-monogamy, the man must listen carefully to his partner and incorporate her concerns and desires into his searching and filtering process. If she sees that she's being heard and that her voice matters, she'll likely stick with this process until you can produce a situation that feels right to her. 

Making Sure your Partner Feels they Have Control

Because I grew up skiing in the mountains, I feel very comfortable on a pair of downhill skis. However, my wife didn't want to go very fast when she first learned to ski. She appeared to have reasonable control of her turns but continued plodding down the mountain at a snail's pace.

She needed more confidence in her ability to stop. So, we spent a day working on her ability to bring her forward momentum to an abrupt halt.

The next day her downhill speed picked up noticeably.

Your job is to make sure that your partner, who has been willing to engage you in this process, feels like they have control over the pace of this process. The pace may seem slow in the beginning. But, this is the happy path to a successful transition into the Lifestyle. Your pace of adventure will naturally pick up over time, but only if you get things right initially.