This is part 1 of the followng 3 part series.

1. Consensual Non-Monogamy and Other Variations
2. Introducing Your Partner to Consensual Non-Monogamy
3. You're ready to try the Lifestyle--Now what?

So many Terms. What do they all mean?

I'll give you a brief overview of some of the most general terms. 

1. Monogamy
2. Open Relationships
3. Relationship Anarchy
4. Ethical Non-Monogamy
5. DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)
6. Consensual Non-Monogamy
7. Swinging
8. Swinging Styles - DTF vs. FWB
9. The Veto Rule
10. The Lifestyle
11. Polyamory
12. Open Poly
13. Solo Poly
14. Closed Poly
15. Kitchen Table Poly
16. Parallel Poly
17. Hierarchical Relationships

Monogamy

Monogamy is a relationship between two people that is romantically exclusive, or sexually exclusive, or both. Both people have agreed to preclude themselves from developing a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else.

Open Relationships

Open Relationships are not exclusive in some manner. The partners may be free to pursue additonal romantic connections, or additoinal sexual connections, or both.

Relationship Anarchy

Relationship Anarchists reject all rules and expectations about relationships except those agreed to by the people involved. They tend to highly value their autonomy and independence. Typically, they would never ask their partners to limit their possible relationships with others. And they would never tolerate such limits from their partners. They would see it as perfectly acceptable to make the continuation of a relationship as dependent on receiving a certain quantity and quality of attention from their partner. But, they would view it as unethical to demand their partner to discontinue their relationship with someone else in order to meet their needs for attention.

Some RA people hold that exclusive relationships are ethical as long as both people agree to them. Another segment of the RA population holds that exclusive agreements are inherently unethical.  Some RA folks are undecided about this issue.

From the more extreme RA point of view, the following relationship styles are not ethical.

• Swinging
• Hierarchical Poly
• Closed Poly
• Tradtitonal Monogamy
• Any relationship style based on any form of exclusivity.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

There appears to be some disagreement within the ENM community about what Ethical means.

Everyone assumes that, "ethical" means open, honest, and transparent--no lying.

Additionally, a significant segment of Relationship Anarchists, also view the term "ethical" as meaning no exclusionary agreements. From this viewpoint, the time and attention your partner gives to you is your business. But the time your partner spends with other people is not your business.

A significant number of people within the ENM community do not share the view of the Relationship Anarchists.

DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)

We can divide Open Relationships and Ethical Non-Monogamy into two camps--Transparent and DADT. Many people are transparent in their communications about seeing other people. 

Some people don't want to know anything about their partner's extra-monogamous activities. They may have given their partners permission for these extra-monogamous activities on the condition that their partner does not expose them to any of the details. In this case, DADT might be consensual. 

A DADT arrangement may result from someone informing their partner that they would see other people and their partner requesting that they spare them from any knowledge of these events. This might be an ethical arrangement, but not a consensual one. 

Sometimes, DADT arrangements are cover stories for cheaters. Cheaters find it extremely useful to have a ready-made reason why you cannot contact their spouse to ensure that this arrangement is ethical and consensual.  

The lack of transparency in DADT relationships presents an insurmountable problem. Some DADT relationships are genuinely ethical and consensual. Unfortunately, some are just a cover for cheaters. Verification is not possible.

Consensual Non-Monogamy

Consensual Non-Monogamy is another similar umbrella term. Consensual implies that each partner consents to their partner's non-monogamous activities. Many will use this term interchangeably with Ethical Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships.

What's the Difference?

Is there any practical difference between these three terms? That depends on who you are talking to. We can break these terms into two camps.

Ethical Non-Monogamy vs. Consensual Non-Monogamy

Many people who call themselves Open Relationship or Ethically Non-Monogamous highly value their autonomy and independence. They would never limit who their partner could see, and they would not tolerate their partner trying to place any limits on them. For these folks, Ethical means no lying or deception. For example, if someone announced to their partner that they were free to see other people right before leaving for work, that would technically be ethical--according to this highly independent group. However, it would likely not be consensual.

Something can only be consensual if all parties are fully informed and free to withdraw their agreement without fear of negative consequences.

The idea of giving consent for a partner's non-monogamous activities is at odds with those who place a premium on their independence and call themselves Open Relationship or Ethically Non-Monogamous. These folks would not allow their partner to limit who they can see. That means their partner cannot withdraw their consent for these folks' non-monogamous activities.

When people are dating around, and playing the field, they may enjoy the company of any number of people without any kind of exclusionary relationship. The open relationship, and ENM, and Solo Poly folks assume this mind set indefinitely. And, there is nothing wrong with that.

We run into problems when two people began their relationship as based on some type of exclusion,  and then one person changes their mindset and decides that exclusionary agreements are unethical. Now, one person views this change as a betrayal, and the other person views this change as a necesarry evolution to a more ethical paradigm.

Granted, many folks who refer to themselves as Ethically Non-Monogamous assert that non-monogamy cannot be ethical unless it is also consensual. There is some disagreement about the definition of the term "ethical" within the Ethical Non-Monogamous camp.

And that is where the term Consensual Non-Monogamy comes in. This term implies that you have ongoing affirmative permission from your partner for non-monogamous activities. Your partner may withdraw their consent without fear of negative consequences--like losing the relationship or emotional withdrawal.

Consent requires one to be fully informed. You cannot agree to something that you are not aware of. So Consensual implies Ethical--no lying or deception. However, not everyone using the term Ethical means that their partner can withdraw their permission or consent for non-monogamous activities.

I understand that some people have a deep desire for independence and autonomy. Theirs is a perfectly valid life choice. And, as long as they keep their partner fully informed, I agree this is an Ethical path.

However, there is some tension between independence and interdependence. I have a strong preference for interdependence with my partner. I see no way of reconciling a commitment to a future with my partner with non-consensual non-monogamy. For me, it boils down to this. If I maintain my autonomy to see anyone I want, as frequently as I want and for as long as I want, regardless of my partner's wishes--what exactly is my commitment to my partner? And if I have no tangible commitment to my partner, how can I plan for a future with them?

My emphasis on committed relationships and consensual non-monogamy is why this site is named cnm4us.com.

Swinging

Swingers seek non-monogamous sexual adventures while seeking to remain romantically exclusive. There are many variations on swinging. Couples may seek sexual experiences with like-minded couples. Couples may include a single person in their sexual activities. One couple member may have sexual encounters with others outside their relationship. Swingers expressly forbid romantic attachments. 

Swinging Styles - DTF vs. FWB

We might also refer to DTF (Down to Fuck) as Stranger Bangers. This group favors sexual variety over an emotional connection. They have a higher tolerance for risk and are frequently interested in playing on the first meeting. They may prefer to reserve all emotional and romantic connections for their partner. 

The FWB (Friends with Benefits) crowd tends to place a higher value on developing emotional connections with their sexual playmates. This is because they see emotional connections as distinct from romantic connections. They have a lower level of risk tolerance. They prefer to get to know people before establishing a sexual relationship. 

The Veto Rule

Many swingers adopt the Veto rule to govern their non-monogamous activities. The Veto rule means either partner can withdraw permission for non-monogamous activities at any time, for any reason, or for no reason. This aligns with Consensual Non-Monogamy because something cannot be consensual unless you can withdraw your permission without fear of any negative consequences. 

Extra-Monogamaous

Partners that employ the veto rule can be termed extra-monogamous. They still seem themselves as partnered, or paired, and commited. Any additional activies outside of their exclusive agreement depend on one another's permission--which can be withdrawn. This can be seen as an addendum onto their exlusive agreement. In an open relationship, the partners are free to engage in other relationships and do not require either advanced or ongoing permission from their partner. This could be seen as Non-Monogamous. However, with the veto agreement, the orignal exclusionary commitment remains in place. Temporary addendums can be added or withdrawn at any time. This might be termed Extra-Monogamous.

Telling people that you are extra-monogamous implies that any availability you have to engage with othe people sexually or romantically is entirely dependent on permission from your partner.

The Lifestyle

Initially, Swingers used The Lifestyle as a euphemism for Swinging. Swinging has a scandalous connotation with the general public, and the term The Lifestyle was less likely to be noticed in mixed company. 

For many years I only heard the term The Lifestyle in reference to Swinging. However, recently, I've noticed some people are using The Lifestyle as a more general term encompassing Swingers, Open Relationships, ENM, CNM, Polyamorous, and even BDSM. 

The number of people experimenting with all forms of non-monogamy is growing, and many feel the need for less charged terms they can use in mixed company. 

I was mildly miffed when I first heard someone using The Lifestyle in this broader manner—however, language changes as culture changes. We all have to roll with the times. 

The takeaway is that sometimes when people refer to The Lifestyle, they mean specifically and exclusively Swinging. However, at other times, people will refer to The Lifestyle as the larger group of non-monogamous activities. Now you know!

Polyamory

Polyamorists are open to non-monogamous relationships with others that include romance and likely sex. There's a wide variety of polyamory arrangments. The emphasis is on non-monogamous romantic relationships. 

Open Poly

No limits exist on how many partners might be involved in a poly group. As a result, the number of people may grow or shrink anytime. 

Solo Poly

Solo Poly refers to people who are unpartnered, and have no wish to partner. They may have multiple romantic and sexual relationships with different people who are not their partner.

Closed Poly

There's some commitment among the people in the group to keep the group at its current number. We might see this as similar to a monogamous relationship except that this relationship involves three or four people. 

Kitchen Table Poly

These folks all socialize together and like to be on good terms with each other's paramours and metamours. 

Parallel Poly

These folks prefer to refrain from socializing together. As a result, they might never, or hardly ever, meet each other's paramours or metamours. 

Hierarchical Relationships

The primary couple has rights and privileges that the non-primary partners do not have.

Which Path is Right for You?

You might find that a well-defined type of Swinging or Polyamory works incredibly well for you and your partner(s). Or, maybe one of these common paths is a 90% match for you and your partner(s), and you can make some minor adjustments to make it just right for you. On the other hand, if none seem like a good fit, you may be motivated to forge something completely unique.

It's helpful to know about the most common paths that people take. You can benefit from the experience of people in these communities. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. You can if you want to. But you don't have to.