Non-Monogamy & Newbie drama!

He did what?!? Eyes roll. Jaws drop. Quick, please--somebody fetch my popcorn. Cuz, here we go again!

I will tell you the number one cause of newbie drama, hurt feelings, and broken relationships. Lack of communication!

But you didn't even know what you were supposed to communicate about, which is what I will explain to you right now.

Types of Non-Monogamy

The various types of non-monogamy can be as different as night and day. New people especially get these terms confused. In a relationship, the two partners may be using the same term but mean entirely different things.

Lifestyle

Lifestyle. What does that mean? For many years, people used the term Lifestyle synonamously with Swinger. That's because the term Swinger was radioactive. If someone overheard you using the term Lifestyle, well, that could mean anything.

More recently, some people have begun to use the term Lifestyle as a broader umbrella encompassing Swinging, Polyamory, Open Relationships, and even BDSM. Same reason. Lifestyle is a pretty generic, innocuous term, unlikely to offend or draw attention. Plus, Polyamory, Open Relationships and BDSM have been growing in popularity and acceptance. 

Swinger

Swingers are couples that value romantic exclusivity. Their pair bonding is the center of their life and they seek to preserve it. Their extra-monogamous activites are consensual. That means their partner can veto this extra-monogamous play at any time. No reason is required.

Their non-monogamous activities are dyadic in nature, meaning they are centered around the couple's sexual life. The two of them may enjoy a threesome with another person. Or they may play two-on-two with another couple. The man may encourage his woman partner to play with other couples or another man--because he derives pleasure from watching, or knowing about it. His woman partner enjoys her freedom and derives pleasure from putting on a show for her man.

Either of them can put this extra-monogamous activity on hold. That's called the veto rule.

This style of non-monogamy is called swinging. And, in years gone by, that was referred to as the Lifestyle. 

Open Relationships

Open Relationships are another type of non-monogamy. This is a loose umbrella term which basically means that both partners are available for some kind of non-monogamy. It might mean the couple are swingers. It might mean they are poly and available for both sex and romance. It might mean they each see people on the side, but dont' talk about it much. It's a loose term. 

ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)

ENM (Ethnical Non-Monogamy) is also a broad term. It is similar to Open Relationship with an extra emphasis on honesty and transparency.

People might use ENM or Open Relationships to refer to Swinging. But there is a significant difference here and one that is often not fully understood until it is too late.

Neither ENM or Open Relationship imply romantic exclusivity. They also do not imply pair bonding or an emphasis on the primary relationship. People who use these terms might have 3 or 4 different partners with none of these partners being primary or more special than any other partner. 

RA (Relationship Anarchists)

Some people who term themselves ENM might also embrace the term RA (Relationship Anarchist). These RA folks prefer not to categorize, or prioritize relationships. It's like a permanent state of dating around before making a committment.

Their's is a perfectly valid perspective. The problem comes when one person is interested in an Open Relationship, or ENM, and to them that means no more sexual or romantic exclusivity. And the other partner thought this meant some sexual experimentation while remaining pair bonded, committed and romantically exclusive.

Or, as is often the case, neither partner was sure what these terms meant before they ploughed ahead.

Confusion and tears ensue.

Avoiding the Drama Means Getting on the Same Page

If you were going to buy a car together, you would talk about whether you were buying a minivan or a two-seat sports car, right? And if you went down to the car dealership before discussing this, it would be no suprise if the two of you started fighting in front of the sales person.

The big question around non-monogamy is do you want to try swinging, which means remaining romantically exclusive? Or are you game for some type of Open Relationship, or Polyamory, which may mean this relationshiop is no longer romantically exclusive, or even primary?

Do your extra-monogamous activies invovle the veto rule? If so, either of you can put the kibosh on any activities of the other person. No babe, you can't do that. That feels too romantic to me. Or, I need some special time with you. Let's take a break from playing with others for a bit.

Without proper discussion, non-monogamy is uncharted territory. Someone made a date with another person, and their partner got their feelings hurt because they didn't really understand what it was they were agreeing to.

This is one of the big things that trips people up. Misunderstanding these issues is one of most significant contributors to newbie drama.

Non-monogamy can be great, if you are both on the same page. Are you both looking for sexual adventure while preserving romantic exclusivity? If that's what you both want, that could work great for you.

Are you both looking for an Open Relationship which would allow for additonal romantic as well as sexual connections? If that's what you both want, that could work great for you.

You can eliminate the drama by talking with one another about your needs and desires. Work out the details and agreements of your experiment with non-monogamy before you start playing with others.