It is okay to just watch?– curious but timid, Oxford, UK

It is okay to just watch?

Hi Rosie, I'm not sure if my question is a common one, but I thought you might be able to offer me some advice on it as I'm not sure who to talk to.

My wife and I like the thought of going to a swingers club, and we regularly talk about the experiences we might have and also share our fantasies. Although we want to play with a couple, we are also quite nervous about it- the thought of completely swapping terrifies us, and we were wondering, can we watch in a swingers club? Or do we have to get involved?

We don't want to dive in straight away, and we feel that watching would be quite exciting for us both. Is this normal? Or would we be seen as weirdos?

– signed curious but timid, Oxford, UK

Hi, Curious but timid. Thank you for writing to me. I want to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling this way; many newbie swingers want to play with others but are extremely nervous and find the idea of watching thrilling! and if this is the case, you certainly won't be judged or made to feel like you don't belong! 

Observing the action is an excellent idea if it’s your first time in a swingers club. Watching or being watched will happen at some point during swinging, so why not start slowly and watch other couples? You can ease yourselves in gradually, chat with other swingers and relax. No one is going to insist you remove all your clothes and join in; you can take things steady at your own pace. You may find that you want to have sex with one another in front of others before you join in the action. 

One thing I would be conscious of, though, is that some clubs have private areas or areas where viewing isn't allowed, so always be sure to make sure you are not intruding on someone's private play. It's worth bearing in mind, however, that if there is a large orgy area, or 'public' play area, and people are playing here, then it's a pretty safe bet that they are perfectly ok with being watched, and these people probably love exhibitionism, but if aren't sure, just ask them 'is it ok if my wife and I watch?' demonstrates to those around you that you are courteous and polite. There are also some clubs I have visited that have 'viewing areas' where guests can watch others having sex. so again, its more popular than you might first imagine! 

'Do we have to get involved?' No. Even if you are a frequent visitor to a club and are very comfortable with the world of swinging, you do not have to get involved. I find that many couples attend clubs for both the social and the play element, and sometimes, that play is only between the couple themselves. 

I want to reassure you that you won't be seen as weirdos or chastised for taking the time to watch and become familiar with the club. Remember, we all had to start somewhere at a pace that we found comfortable.

Rosie x

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