Yikes, my partner is moving too fast! – need to slow down, San Francisco, California

Yikes, my partner is moving too fast!

Hi Rosie, my partner and I started swinging about six months ago, and we met a couple in private who we found online. We also visited a swingers club three times. Although I enjoy it, and I am on board with it, my male partner, whom I have been with for 2 years, often gets very 'fired up' when speaking to other swingers online or looking at clubs. I understand that he is enthusiastic, but I often feel he makes decisions without considering how I might feel about them. When I have read messages he has sent other swingers, I feel he has decided things for me and spoken about things with other people I am not ready for. I don't want to stop swinging, but how do I get him to slow the process down? I am scared I will have to do something I am not ready for- signed, need to slow down, San Francisco, California.

Dear, need to slow down; I feel you! Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that feel overwhelming, and even if we are initially on board with something, we can soon lose sight of what we actually want to experience if we do not have the confidence or ability to speak up.

Sometimes, we are scared of rejection from our partners, causing an argument or possible resentment from them, so it's far easier for us to stay quiet. I often find that the partner who first suggested swinging (usually the man) finds it far easier to form their own ideas about the lifestyle than the partner (usually the woman) who didn't suggest it. When this happens, it is usually left for the man to do all the 'work', but when the woman feels excluded, she feels unable to speak up.

Also, there are times when men can take the slightest bit of enthusiasm as a green light and, without the woman's input, decide things on her behalf. This isn't always the man's fault.

So what can you do? Have the confidence to share your concerns, learn how to move forward in your relationship, understand how to slow the process down, and respond when you feel your partner is getting too intense.

There is a big difference between compromise and coercion. A compromise would be for you both to agree to swing but decide to only participate in soft swap until the less confident partner feels ready to take the next step if that is something you both want. If you are willing to compromise with one another and accept each step steadily, you will be building the foundations to become a rock-solid swinger couple. 

You need to be able how to speak up about what you do and do not want to experience. Many women view sexual intimacy, such as penetrative sex, as the most intimate act and decide to reserve that for their partner and do not wish to engage sexually with other men in this way. Subsequently, when their men do suggest swinging, they find themselves, as a former client did, asking: 'I don't want full-on sex with other men, so what role do I play? Am I able to enjoy a diled-down version? Or have I got to go the whole hog? I don't feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband?' 

It's okay. I hear you, and I want to reassure you that you do not have to 'do' anything you do not want to do, and part of the reason you feel this way in the first place is that men and women view swinging ethical non-Mongamy as a whole very differently. It may well be that you are happy to support your partner and explore the lifestyle together but reserve certain intimacies within your relationship or that you choose to explore bisexuality and bring this dynamic to your relationship.

It's so easy to see why many women fear they have to be intimate with other men or feel pressured to 'couple swap', but if this doesn't feel right for you, then that's perfectly fine too; just be sure to establish your limits and boundaries and verbalise them to potential play partners before you start playing. Learning how to slow the process down and start moving at a pace that both parties feel comfortable with isn't easy, especially if one party has been racing ahead whilst the other hasn't been interested.

One concern for many men is that some feel that if they didn't take the reins with the swinger lifetsyle, there would be no involvement whatsoever, so they feel like they are the only ones responsible. But this approach only works sometimes; without direction, the man can move at a pace the woman feels uncomfortable with or leads them in a direction she doesnt feel comfortable with- but whos fault is it?

The responsibility falls on BOTH parties to steer the ship in the right direction for them. Many times, I have witnessed conflict when the man has gone 'too far', but the woman hasn't said anything until the situation has taken place. Then, he is chastised. Instead of this, you need to establish rules and boundaries that support you both and listen to one anothers fears.

Instead of the woman taking a back seat, she needs time and space to explore swinging on her own terms, without expectation from the man and with him acknowledging and supporting her. Remembering that men and women get involved in the lifetsyle for different reasons is really important, and appreciating that we are individuals is so important. Men who are too pushy or expectant with their partners can end up creating an environment where the woman feels like she HAS to perform, be involved or contribute far more than she is willing to. This is often too much for women who then feel like their only option is to pull the plug on the lifetsyle altogether.

If this is you, then explain to your partner that you need to have space to explore your own thoughts and then wish to discuss this without pressure to act on these thoughts instantly. You need to learn to trust one another and learn to accept one anothers journeys. Set aside time per week to catch up about lifestyle and talk about how you are both feeling about it, but without adding pressure. The only way to build up this trust is by our actions aligning with our words. If you say you won't pressure one another, then make sure your actions display this.