Hi Rosie, I am scared of talking to my partner about starting swinging; I just don’t know how they will react!

Hi Rosie, I am scared of talking to my partner about starting swinging; I just don’t know how they will react! 

POV: You are scared of your partner’s reaction or there being repercussions when you share your fantasies or make suggestions about the lifestyle.

Why? Why is it that we struggle to talk about intimacy, human nature and sexual desire in our relationships? Because we don’t want to jeopardise the good thing we have built, we don’t want to cause upset and insecurity and potentially ruin a perfectly good relationship. But if you can’t be open and honest with one another, is your relationship as healthy as it first appears? Is it as mutually satisfying as you would have us believe? Or are you holding back from sharing with your partner out of fear of rejection?

What could potentially happen?

Ok, so the worst-case scenario is you open up to your partner, they reject you and reject the relationship, you split up, and you find yourself alone and unable to make amends. Or perhaps you do open up, and they reject you, but you don’t split up; instead, you have a falling out, you are made to feel like you have ruined the relationship, and in turn, you feel guilty but also trapped with a partner who had rejected you when you wanted to be honest with them.

Where do you go from here?

Chances are you don’t bring it up again out of fear of further rejection or argument. It can be daunting to hear your partner has had thoughts about wanting to try swinging, and some people feel threatened by it, so their first reaction is a hostile one.

What do you do instead?

So many people approach me seeking my guidance on this subject, and for many couples out there, it is the biggest hurdle they have to face—initially having the conversation! Learn how to open up to your partner without fearing rejection. Learn how to use vulnerability as a useful tool in your relationship. Gain a deeper understanding of what your partner may be experiencing when you open up to them and why they have reacted the way they have. Explain that you want to share the swinging experience with them and that you can’t imagine doing it with anyone else. You want to experience and enjoy the lifestyle together and grow as a couple. Listen to your partner’s reservations and fears.

• Understandably, they are going to have concerns about starting swinging; listen to them and find a solution together. If one partner thinks swinging will ruin the relationship, ask them why? Then, address these reasons. Are they founded in anything specific?
• Very often, fear is the root cause of hostility. Suppose a person doesn’t verbalise their reasons for wanting to be involved in the swinger lifestyle, and instead, they simply reel off a list of ideal fantasy scenarios or describe to them what they have seen in porn. In that case, they may leave the other partner confused about their expectations and where these ideas come from in the first place.
• Suppose the swinging discussion is too explicit and too one-sided. It is easy to see why the other partner in the relationship may believe that their curiosity about the lifestyle has been born out of a lack of interest in them or the relationship. Being a swinger or being involved in the lifestyle does not mean in any way that you are loved less or less desired by your partner. Swinging should only ever complement your existing relationship. It should enhance it but never be a replacement, physically or emotionally.
• Swinging is never a replacement for love. Just because you may have sex with others, it doesn’t mean the love you have for your existing partner diminishes in some way or wasn’t there to begin with. Husbands may decide they want to start swinging for different reasons; one of these reasons is not ‘because I don’t love my wife.‘

Opening up your marriage takes a great deal of courage and is a gradual process. One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that they rush into describing what they would like to see/ experience without really appreciating what this entails. I do fully support and encourage honest conversation between couples, but when one person never even contemplated the idea of swinging, and the other one describes in detail what would happen, the expectations of the two individuals are so mismatched that very often, one partner feels wholly overwhelmed and responds negatively. So, what can you do to stop this from happening? The first step is to get a realistic understanding of what swinging is and isn’t.

Read blog articles, watch YouTube videos, and educate yourselves by speaking to others in the swinger community. Yes, you can watch porn, but very often, this is quite unrealistic. After all, they would never make a porn film about cuddling in bed and discussing your rules and limits! But what they would make a porn film about is ‘hotwife gets gangbanged first time swinging party’. Now, I don’t need to tell you that one of these is more appealing than the other to a person who has never considered swinging.

You need to understand that when a person reacts defensively to a situation, it is often down to the simple fact that they don’t understand something or feel threatened by it. And when it comes to sex, intimacy and your relationship, I fully appreciate where defensiveness comes from. After all, a relationship is sacred. We work hard to maintain bonds and establish trust. Before you even have the ‘I’d like to try xyz‘ conversation, you need to make sure you are communicating well within your relationship.

Suppose you are already sharing intimacies and opening up to one another about sexual desires. In that case, having the conversation about opening up your relationship should be a little easier to navigate. A great way to start an intimate conversation is by saying something along the lines of ‘How do you feel about xxxxx?‘ or ‘I was wondering about xxxx, do you think you would enjoy it? Maybe we can explore it together?

Or ‘I love the sex we have, and I want to make sure it’s great for us both. Can we talk about it?‘ If your desire to talk about intimacy comes from a place of love, understanding and relationship growth, then chances are your partner will be a lot more receptive. Hi Rosie, I am scared of talking to my partner about starting swinging

Want further help and advice?

Because I am frequently asked for advice on this topic, I created two pieces of content that will not only provide you with all the answers but also offer you insight into what your partner might be experiencing when they hear the words ‘swinger and lifestyle’.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT STARTING SWINGING

You want to explore the lifestyle with your partner, but you’re not sure how to talk to them about it. The thought of trying to convince them it’s a journey for the both of you to go on together fills you with worry. What if they reject the idea? And reject you in the process? Don’t worry; that’s why I created this guide!

With my help, you will learn how you can enjoy swinging without jeopardising your existing relationship, and you will learn how women approach sex and relationships and why gaining an insight into what fears women have when starting swinging is essential. Yes, you can have your cake and eat it! Download: How to talk to your wife about starting swinging.

ART OF OPENING UP TO ONE ANOTHER WORKSHOP

Teaching people the ‘art’ of opening up to one another is one of the fundamental techniques that I teach my clients, but not only do I teach them how to share, I also teach them how to listen to one another and support each other, and use vulnerability as a tool for strengthening their relationship. After this workshop, you will:

• Understand how to open up to your partner without fearing rejection.
• Learn how to use vulnerability as a useful tool in your relationship.
• Gain a deeper understanding of what your partner may be experiencing when you open up to them.
• Learn how to talk and how to listen to one another.
• Have the confidence to share your concerns and learn how to move forward in your relationship.

Watch: The Art of opening up to one another workshop.