What Happens When A Couple Go From Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy?

What Happens When A Couple Go From Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy 

Last week, I was speaking with one of you lovely members here in CNM4US, who asked me if I created content about ENM or if it was just swinging. The answer is yes, yes I do, and although I am perhaps a little 'swinger heavy' at times (ok, I am quite swinger lifestyle focussed), I do indeed create ENM content, too.

So here, for you, is an article I wrote all about transitioning from Monogamy to Ethical Monogamy, which is a journey pretty much all of us here have taken, though we haven't all ended up at the same destination. 

Enjoy! 

What happens when a couple go from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy?

Going from a previously monogamous relationship to a newly Ethically non-monogamous one is something that needs careful consideration, communication and compromise. When you are looking to explore Ethical Non-Monogamy, it can be hard to know where to begin and what might happen to your relationship. Very often, the biggest question a couple has is, 'Is this going to jeopardise our relationship? I understand what it is like, which is why I chose to create this article for you. If you are a couple who are thinking about journeying into Ethical Non-Monogamy, here is what that journey can look like. And if you are a couple who have undertaken the journey yourselves, has it panned out as you expected? 

How To Go From Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy

I create a lot of content surrounding stigma, misconceptions and myths surrounding ethical non-monogamy and the relationship types associated with it.  I also write extensively about the swinger lifestyle, how best to get started, and how to meet people. But what I haven't done was create a piece of content that explains what happens when a couple decides to go from a previously monogamous relationship to an ethically non-monogamous one.  After all, if you are interested in having an open relationship or starting in any form of ENM, then this is a process that you are likely to embark upon yourself. I often refer to ENM as a 'journey' for the both of you to go on; in this article, you will find all the details of what that journey can look like and what to do next if you want to have a successful, ethically non-monogamous relationship.

Transitioning From Monogamy To Ethical Non-Monogamy

I believe that the process of unlearning what you have previously learnt about relationships is the first step in going from a previously monogamous relationship to a newly ethically non-monogamous one. And this is no mean feat!  As a society, we aren't taught about Ethical non-monogamy or alternative relationships, so not knowing where to begin is entirely understandable. If, like so many people, you have previously been taught that the 'correct way' to have a relationship is to be monogamous and that even discussing the possibility that there are other relationship types is wrong or taboo, don't worry; you are not alone.

As a society, we aren't taught about Ethical non-monogamy or alternative relationships, so not knowing where to begin or if you should even begin is entirely understandable. I feel the topic of societal expectations regarding relationship types would make a whole other blog topic, so before I get carried away, I will make a note to revisit that particular topic later. 

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy? 

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term for a relationship where romantic and, or sexual connections are extended past the committed relationship of two people. Regardless of whether both parties participate or not, they both give their consent and fully understand what the relationship entails.  An ethically non-monogamous relationship can take on many forms. How a couple decides to have a non-monogamous relationship can vary depending on what each party is comfortable with. As a relationship evolves, what a couple may want or may not want to experience will, in all likelihood, change, so it is essential to see Ethical Non-monogamy as a versatile lifestyle choice influenced by other external factors.  Ethical non-monogamy is the practice of having relationships or enjoying sex or other intimacies outside of a traditionally monogamous relationship whilst having full consent to do so. 

There is no right or wrong way to be Ethically Non-monogamous. Still, all forms of this relationship type have one resounding factor; they are all based on honesty and clear communication and are in no way coercive.  There is no one-size-fits-all approach to ethical non-monogamy, and many people who identify as ENM all have their approach to how they choose to practice it. In simple terms, ethical non-monogamy is the practice of having relationships or enjoying sex or other intimacies outside of a traditionally monogamous relationship.

Why Do People Choose Ethical Non-Monogamy? 

As there are many ways to practice Ethical Non-Monogamy, it offers flexibility that many traditional monogamous relationships do not. Some couples are swingers and retain all of the emotional exclusivity they have within their relationship whilst enjoying sex with others; they may only have sex or swap only when the other person is present. Whereas if you have a polyamorous relationship, you may enjoy a deep emotional and physical connection with other people as well as your partner. And if you are in an open relationship, you might meet men and women separately, without your spouse, but are still emotionally exclusive with them, or you may decide on a combination of dynamics. 

Bisexuality and Ethical Non-Monogamy 

People who identify as bisexual often enjoy ethical non-monogamy as it offers them the freedom to explore their sexuality whilst keeping their existing relationship intact. Through ethical non-monogamy, you can explore your sexuality and discover new ways to enjoy intimacy with and without your partner, but always with their consent, whilst maintaining your existing relationship.  Although different, all of these relationships share a common trait: they start from rock-solid beginnings.  When you start sharing your desires with your partner, you develop deep trust and understanding. As soon as a couple has decided to participate in one of these monogamy alternatives, they often avoid falling into the familiar traps of being hurt, having fights and deceitful behaviour associated with monogamous relationships. Another reason people may choose to be non-monogamous is because they believe that relying on one person to fulfil you sexually for the rest of your life is pretty unrealistic.

Is Ethical Non-Monogamy Healthy For Your Relationship? 

It is a strange realisation that many couples have, but by opening up their relationship, they actually become closer.  Having honest conversations will become easier. Showing vulnerable emotions will become second nature. You will learn how to support one another on a deep, personal level as you connect with your partner and understand what is integral to them. By supporting them in this way, you are encouraging them to flourish, and in turn, your relationship becomes so much stronger for it. When you start sharing your desires with your partner, which can be daunting at first, you develop deep trust and understanding. Being open and honest about what you would like takes courage, and having one person with whom you can share these desires is truly special. Even if you aren't on the same page or don't enjoy the same things, you can still go on the journey together to facilitate these fantasies and vice versa. Together, you will share and discover your kinks, desires and passions and sexuality. 

Better Sex Life-

It is no surprise that your sex life gets a revamp when you start discussing Ethical Non-monogamy. The more you learn and discover, the more you develop your own ideas about what makes sex great. If you don't explore, you may never find out! And where's the fun in that? 

All Your Needs and Desires Are Met-

I chose to start swinging because my bisexual desires still needed to be met. Through ethical non-monogamy, I get to have all the emotional attachment I desire while still being able to enjoy the Bisexual side of my sexuality. Despite having been in both open relationships and in relationships with Polyamorous people, it is being a 'swinger' that feels most right for me. 

Can You Learn To Be Ethically Non Monogamous? 

Opening up your relationship and joining the non-monogamy lifestyle can bring more closeness and emotional exclusivity to your relationship. Still, it's hard to understand when you are first getting started.  The foundations of an excellent non-monogamous relationship are based on honesty and trust. You don't have to have been together years before you start swinging; there are no rules that state that ethical non-monogamy is strictly for long-term couples as long as there is trust and communication. I believe it is quite possible to learn how to be ethically non-monogamous as most couples involved in the lifestyle all previously started as monogamous. 

What Happens When You Practice Ethical Non-Monogamy? 

However you decide to explore ethical non-monogamy, I believe one thing is guaranteed to happen: you will experience a different kind of emotional intimacy. You and your partner will be given the chance to share and express parts of your sexuality previously hidden. Who wouldn't want to share their innermost desires with the person they feel most comfortable and sexy with? Sharing without the fear of being judged is a beautiful feeling. The connection and understanding you create could never be replaced by someone who isn't in the lifestyle. It simply wouldn't work.

What is your ENM style?

Do you identify with one relationship style over another, or do you dislike the use of labels? Have you tried different forms of ENM and experimented? I'm so pleased I tried polyamory and being in an open relationship- however, I feel these stories are best saved for another day!

Please drop me a comment. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!  

Rosie x