'I don't feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband when swinging'

Hi Rosie, My husband and I are relatively new to the world of swinging. We have spoken to some couples online and have checked out a swingers club locally that we might visit, and although I am not opposed to it, I am struggling to see what role I can play. It's not that I don't want to be part of the lifestyle; I do, but I don't feel I can be intimate with men other than my husband. Whenever I speak to my husband about how I am feeling, he doesn't seem to understand where I am coming from and says why wouldn't I want sex with other people? He doesn't seem able to see things from my point of view. What can I do?

Signed, I don't want dick- Leeds UK.

It's okay. I hear you, and I want to reassure you that you do not have to 'do' anything you do not want to do, and part of the reason you feel this way in the first place is that men and women view ethical non-Mongamy very differently. It may well be that you are happy to support your husband and explore the lifestyle together but reserve certain intimacies within your relationship or that you choose to explore bisexuality or soft swinging and bring this dynamic to your relationship.

It's so easy to see why many women fear they have to be intimate with other men or feel pressured to 'couple swap', but if this doesn't feel right for you, then that's perfectly fine too; just be sure to establish your limits and boundaries and verbalise them to potential play partners before you start playing, if you are only ok with soft swap or non-penetrative sex, then say so! Just because your husband is happy to go the whole hog, it doesn't mean you have to!

In this instance, Instead of taking a back seat, I believe you need time and space to explore swinging on your own terms, without expectation from your husband and with him acknowledging and supporting you. Remembering that men and women get involved in the lifestyle for different reasons is really important, as is appreciating that we are individuals on our own journeys. Men who are too pushy or expectant with their partners can create an environment where the woman feels like she HAS to perform, be involved or participate far more than she wants to. This is often too much for some women who feel their only option is to pull the plug on the lifestyle altogether.

You need to be able to speak up about what you do and do not want to experience. Many women view sexual intimacy, such as penetrative sex, as a sacred intimate act and decide to reserve this intimacy for their partner and do not wish to engage sexually with other men in this way.

Remember there is no right or wrong way to be part of the lifestyle, and we can change our limits and boundaries over time as we grow more comfortable. It's ok not to want the same things as your partner as long as you respect one another's limits. 

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Rosie x