I am worried I sound like a pervert when I talk about sex!

I am worried I sound like a pervert when I talk about sex!

Hi Rosie, my wife and I have been married for ten years, and our relationship is excellent. About six months ago, I suggested exploring the non-monogamy, or swinger lifestyle. She was more on board than I thought she would be, and we subsequently watched some YouTube videos and tried to educate ourselves further. Since this exciting start, however, we have struggled to have further conversations; when I suggest visiting a swinger club or even when I try to share fantasies, my wife isn't very receptive, and I am worried I am starting to sound like a pervert! I feel like she judges me when I share my thoughts with her, and I struggle to understand how she feels about it, as she is not forthcoming whenever I try to talk about sex with her. I am worried that I sound like a pervert whenever I even try to talk about sex.- California Couple

Hi California couple, Thank you for writing to me here at Ask Rosie on CNM4US. I want to reassure you that your question is welcome here and that your current situation is not at all uncommon. What I will say, however, is that this advice is as much for you as it is for your wife, as I feel you are both struggling here. Sometimes, understanding what our partners are experiencing is a great way to develop empathy, so I urge you to read my thoughts on your current situation. Maybe in the past, you or your wife might have been shamed, judged or ridiculed when wanting to talk about sex or sexual desire. You might both have learnt that talking about sex wasn't acceptable or appropriate and now feel embarrassed when you do talk about sex or want to talk about it. Sometimes, when we want to open up to our current partners, we struggle due to past experiences, and overcoming our fears can be difficult. Does this sound familiar?

How to overcome fears

Overcoming fear isn't unique to swinging and ethical non-monogamy. There are times when we have to ask difficult questions, open up to others and have conversations that make us feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, the fear of the unknown is almost debilitating, but once you make that leap, you realise that much of the fear stems from the unknown. If we allow fear to manifest and override our passion for something, we will never experience what we want in life. Yes, opening your relationship is scary, and yes, being vulnerable with your partner is scary, but we can't let fear decide what we experience in life.

What happens when we open up

When we expose our vulnerabilities within a relationship, we reveal a part of ourselves that is extremely private and intimate. Sharing this conveys deep insight into who we are and what we desire, and only those we consider the most deserving do we share this with. These desires stem from deep within us, and although it is very often a gradual process to share them with our partners, deep bonds between you begin to form once we start that process. You have a deeper shared connection built on honesty, intimacy and communication. But by exposing your vulnerable emotions, you have a solid foundation to build on. If you can talk openly about sex, intimacy, and emotion and have conversations that perhaps are uncomfortable, you will inevitably be a stronger couple for it. It could well be that your wife doesn't realise she can share with you, or maybe worries that there will be ramifications or expectations placed on her when she does open up.

She could feel uncomfortable talking about sex, so make sure she understands that she can share with you her thoughts without there being any expectations placed on her. It's imperative that when we discuss our sexual desires with our partners and open up to them about what we would like to experience, we take ownership of our experiences. Sometimes, when we are in a relationship, it can be easy to fall into the trap of putting our desires on hold if you already know your partner is not on board or is reluctant to explore other possibilities. But we have to remember that you are individuals within a relationship, and as an individual, it is your responsibility to take ownership of your needs and desires.

How to develop empathy in your relationship.

When we are faced with the unknown, our first reaction is to be hostile or defensive. Suppose your partner opens up to you with a particular fetish that you view as a turn-off before you grimace and shame them. Stop. And thank your partner for opening up to you. The fact that they can show this level of vulnerability (because opening up about your desires stems from a vulnerable place) is a positive thing for your relationship. Although it is easy to be hostile in our initial reaction to something, this response can set the tone for further conversations.

You have to ask yourself, do you want the type of relationship where your partner feels unable to open up to you out of your fear of being shamed? If you want to discuss something with your partner but are afraid it will go down like a lead-filled balloon, try this technique: Let's use pegging as an example, as I've been the 'pegger' in relationships. Instead of saying, 'I want to peg you because it's what I've seen in porn, or I've bought a strap-on for us', have a conversation centred around relationship growth and exploring new scenarios together. Saying something like, 'I love what we have together, and I always want us to be able to share in our desires; what do you think about pegging? It is a lot less confrontational than 'I want to peg you', which is essentially what most people will hear if you phrase it the wrong way.

If you have a lifestyle situation you’d like Rosie Kay to comment on in her articles, you can contact Rosie Kay by -

Message Rosie Kay on CNM4US or:

Email Rosie Kay at: ThisKindaGirl@gmail.com

Rosie Kay is also available for lifestyle coaching if you need focused individual assistance.

Contact RosieKay by - Schedule initial 15-minute consultation: https://www.cnm4us.com/thiskindagirl/calendar/ -

Go to ThisKindaGirl.co.uk -> Select one of the Coaching options -

Email: ThisKindaGirl@gmail.com

Rosie x