Overcoming Impostor Syndrome How to Believe in Yourself Even When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome: How to Believe in Yourself Even When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

How many of us have ever felt like we don’t belong? Are we not good enough, do we not have the correct qualifications, or are perhaps fraudsters terrified of being exposed? Throughout my swinger lifestyle journey, from absolute beginner to Rosie Kay, non-Monogamy relationship coach, there have been many changes, revelations, triumphs, and achievements. However, there has also been one constant: the unsettling feeling of constantly being an imposter. As a new swinger (over 10 years ago now), I was sure I didn’t belong.

On that first-ever visit to Le Boudoir Club, I sat tentatively, nervously as I compared myself to my newfound like-minded lifestylers. Perching on the plush sofa, I felt every bit the imposter in my early 20s, with pale skin and red hair. I compared myself to the other guests, who appeared to be 10 years older than me; they were well-dressed, affluent, charming and charismatic. I was shy, defensive and unable to hold a conversation, never mind anything else.

What was I doing here, I thought? Amongst the sexy grown-ups with their grown-up jobs and lives? All of a sudden, I felt extremely out of place. For the next five years, I spent many an evening in the company of partially clad consenting adults, feeling like I either didn’t belong. I would meet extremely well-established couples who didn’t seem to have any problems navigating the lifestyle or women who appeared to be brimming with so much confidence that mine would be shattered when I merely set eyes on them. But, gradually, over time (I’ve been on this journey for a while now), I have learnt to overcome imposter syndrome, and I started to feel grounded and secure in the swinger community. Today, I have the pleasure of not only sharing my story with others but also providing guidance to those who are seeking help navigating the world of Ethical non-monogamy as a whole. Am I still plagued with feeling like an imposter? At times, yes, but do I let it dissuade me from my cause? Certainly not.

If you can relate to ever feeling like you, too, don’t belong, the good news is that there are many ways to learn to understand imposter syndrome and, secondly, more importantly, how to overcome it. Feeling like you are not good enough is something that I believe we all are familiar with.

For this article, I have teamed up with the writer Simon Benn at Gentlemen for Hire to bring you a unique perspective on how to believe in yourself even when you don’t feel good enough.

What was I doing here, I thought?

Doubting your skills and capabilities is a common and understandable occurrence. But when these doubts and negative thoughts persist, you could suffer from Impostor Syndrome. Impostor Syndrome is a widespread occurrence among high-achieving individuals and if left unchecked it can have detrimental effects on your life, relationships, and overall health. Here is a simple guide to help you overcome Imposter Syndrome and believe you are enough and deserving of success and praise.

Understanding Impostor Syndrome

The main characteristic of Impostor Syndrome is an overwhelming feeling that you are undeserving of certain opportunities and accolades/achievements. It is feeling you are not intelligent, competent, good enough, or deserving enough of the opportunities and success in your life. Imposter Syndrome can affect high-functioning, intelligent, and highly competent people from all walks of life. When a person has impostor syndrome, they never feel happy with their achievements because they feel like they are a fraud, and they are always doubting their abilities.

Characteristics/Symptoms of Imposter Syndrome

Several characteristics of imposter syndrome can combine and affect your life negatively. They include:

• Feelings of self-doubt,
• Self-sabotage,
• Setting unrealistic goals/expectations, 
• The persistent occurrence of burnout.
• Constantly comparing yourself to others
• Distrusting your capabilities and decision-making capabilities
• Anxiety
• Lack of self-confidence
• Feeling inadequate
• Dwelling on mistakes and punishing yourself for past failures

To counteract these feelings, you might start working twice or three times as hard to prove that you are not a fraud and that you deserve praise for success. You will constantly push yourself to counteract these feelings, and this can lead to anxiety, depression, or burnout.

Types of Imposter Syndrome

There are five main types of Impostor Syndrome, and each type affects a person differently. These five types show that Impostor Syndrome is more than just a lack of confidence. It is a chronic lack of self-confidence consisting of high levels of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

1. The Perfectionist

Perfectionists are constantly struggling with their own unrealistic goals and expectations that demand them to always do better and to constantly chase impossibly high standards no matter what. A perfectionist can be harsh on themselves and battle to accept failure or mistakes. Viewing them instead as further proof that they are indeed a fraud and they are not competent enough. This type can negatively impact how you see yourself. It can lead to low self-esteem and body confidence issues. This can result in you becoming fixated on having the perfect body, blinding you to the fact that you are chasing fictitious standards and that you’re perfect just the way you are.

How to overcome being a Perfectionist:

Slowly ease yourself into accepting that life is imperfect, and so are you. Not everything needs to be perfect. Prioritise self-care, learn realistic goal setting, and manage your expectations of yourself. Moreover, I learned to prioritise the journey rather than the destination. Focusing on the journey releases you from the pressures of high expectations and teaches you to focus on your progress instead of being perfect all the time.

2. The Natural Genius

A Natural Genius is usually a high performer without putting in much effort. They believe that they should be above-averagely successful when they attempt any project, task, or activity. If they are not immediately good at something, they will feel inadequate and like frauds. This form of Impostor Syndrome is characterized by believing that one’s achievements are based solely on one’s natural intelligence/abilities. This belief causes them to set unrealistically high standards for themselves, leading to a dip in their self-confidence when they encounter challenges and setbacks. They believe that their success is not because of their hard work and they are highly critical of themselves.

How to overcome being The Natural Genius:

Learn to acknowledge that success consists of a combination of things. It is not only about your natural abilities. Acknowledge that a large part of your success is because you are not only intelligent but you are a determined and hardworking individual.

3. The Soloist

Soloist Impostor Syndrome consists of feelings of hyper-independence, where one wants to achieve success all on one’s own. A soloist believes that they need to do everything themselves and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. They tend to feel highly overwhelmed and isolate themselves. When they feel overwhelmed this leads to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt because they feel that they should not be feeling overwhelmed no matter how much they take on. In addition, Soloists struggle to network, they struggle with constructive criticism as they have the inherent need to want to accomplish everything all on their own.

How to overcome being The Soloist:

Learn to slowly move out of your comfort zone and create a network or community around you. Be patient with yourself and practice compassion. If you are a Soloist, chances are you are a hyper-independent high achieving individual and you have an abundance of people willing and eager to work with you. In most cases, the Soloist type is more prevalent in successful women who are in positions of power and influence. So it can be daunting to put yourself out there. If that is the case, you could try a somewhat unconventional approach and ease yourself into things. You could seek a male companionship escort for women. This is platonic companionship for hire. This is a service for women who are looking for companionship for various non-sexual reasons. These male escorts are good-looking, intelligent, and are well-versed on a variety of topics. You could use the escort as a guinea pig and set up possible scenarios where you would attempt to expand your network and learn how to delegate and work well with others. For some, this might be a little bit on the extreme side. However, it is important to always keep an open mind.

4. The Expert

This is perhaps one of the most common types of Impostor Syndrome. The Expert is someone who has specialized knowledge and skills. They are people with a belief that they should have all the knowledge in their field. Despite having specialized knowledge and skills they constantly doubt themselves. Often pushing themselves to constantly master everything there is to know about their field. They are never satisfied with their knowledge and their ability to perform their duties well. Furthermore, they are constantly looking for courses to upskill themselves, and they are always overwhelmed as they battle with procrastination as they believe they do not have enough knowledge to do their job well.

How to overcome being The Expert:

The best way to overcome this type of impostor syndrome is to seek out professional networks and join them, or attend a workshop. This is a great way to expand your knowledge in a low-pressure environment. You will not feel intimidated or inadequate because you will be surrounded by like-minded and equally skilled professionals who are there to exchange ideas and are not trying to compete with each other.

5. The Superhero

Superheroes are trapped in a never-ending cycle of always wanting to do more. These are high achievers who put themselves under immense pressure to achieve excellent results in whatever they do and in all areas of their lives. They struggle to handle constructive criticism well and are highly critical of themselves. In addition, they experience high levels of stress when they are not working. Often feel guilty for not being productive and they are uncomfortable with leisurely activities.

How to overcome being the Superhero

Train yourself not to depend on external validation while also learning how to take constructive criticism. Learn to view constructive criticism as a chance for growth and not as a negative reflection on you. Allow yourself grace and kindness and know that it is okay to make mistakes. Learn to balance your time well between prioritizing work and self-care/rest. Take breaks regularly to avoid burnout.

How to Recognize Impostor Syndrome

The best way to recognize whether you are struggling with Impostor Syndrome is to conduct an assessment of your daily routine. The main thing to remember is that if you pay attention to the signs of Impostor Syndrome, they will always reveal themselves to you.

Pay attention to how you approach things, and how you feel about yourself before and after completing an activity or task. Ask yourself the following questions: Do you immediately dismiss your accomplishments, often looking for mistakes you made, and are you constantly looking for something to do with little to no rest?

Another question to ask yourself is this one; Do you overwork yourself, and no matter how much work you put in, it’s just never enough? Are you constantly feeling exhausted, struggling to manage your time against a piling workload, and always feeling like no matter what you do your skills are not good enough? Do you obsess over big and small things with equal measure? Does sending a simple email, text, or posting a status update turn into an exhausting exercise where you scrutinize every little detail before pressing send?

Are you constantly self-criticising yourself, and comparing yourself to others? Seeking validation, lacking self-confidence, and feeling like your contributions in a team effort are never as good as the next person’s? Do you struggle with balancing your life and view the world in extremes? Where do you either produce excellent results or are you a total failure? Do you put intense pressure on yourself to be extremely successful at whatever you do and punish yourself profusely if you fail or make a mistake?

Finally, do you constantly procrastinate on big or even small tasks because you are worried about failing, making a mistake, or that your work just won’t cut it?

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome -

Working on your negative self-talk Work on reframing how you talk to yourself and about yourself. When you have Impostor Syndrome, it can take a while to reframe your negative self-talk. So you must be kind and patient with yourself. Start with daily affirmations. You could write them down and say them in front of the mirror every day before you go to work, and you can silently repeat them to yourself when you feel the negative thoughts are beginning to overwhelm you.

I was shy, defensive and unable to hold a conversation, never mind anything else.

-Challenge your irrational thinking and beliefs about yourself Just because you believe that you are not good enough and not competent enough, that does not make it true. Never make the mistake of ignoring your thoughts and feelings in a bid to overcome Impostor Syndrome. Instead, acknowledge these feelings, try to understand where they come from, and challenge them with tangible evidence. Prove to yourself that you are enough by challenging your irrational beliefs and highlighting your achievements and the positive impact you have had on those around you.

-Build Self-Awareness and acknowledge your achievements One of the best ways to combat Imposter Syndrome is to simply keep track of your achievements. Try keeping a gratitude journal where you take stock of your achievements. Appreciate your skills, knowledge, and abilities. This is a great way to demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of success because you work hard and that you are dedicated and great at what you do.

-Do not be afraid to look for help If, at some point, you begin to feel your mental health taking a dip due to your feelings of inadequacy, never be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help. Psychotherapy is known to be a great treatment that helps to deal with mental health issues that contribute to your Impostor Syndrome. It is okay if you are struggling. It is perfectly okay to seek out the services of a qualified mental health practitioner to help you reframe your negative thoughts and guide you toward a positive outlook on yourself and life.

-Embrace mistakes and failure as a learning opportunity Another important tactic that can help you overcome Impostor Syndrome is to work on reframing your beliefs around failure. It is important to view failure as an opportunity to learn how to do an activity better for the next time. One way to look at it is that failure is a stepping stone to success because, without failure, you would not have the knowledge and skills to do your job better and guarantee success.

-Do not push yourself too hard; set realistic and attainable goals At the end of the day, you are the only person who truly knows what you are capable of. So, it is safe to say that you alone know when you are taking on too much work and setting unrealistic goals for yourself. If you want to overcome Impostor Syndrome, it will help if you are honest with yourself about how much work you can and cannot handle. Accept your strengths and weaknesses and identify avenues for growth and advancement. But remember to do all of this while setting realistic goals for yourself. It is also perfectly okay to adjust your goals and the timeline for completing them if you see that you set an unrealistic time frame.

Overcoming Impostor Syndrome involves recognizing your achievements, reframing your negative thinking, and acknowledging your capabilities. It is important to understand your value and worth and move away from feeling like you are a fraud. Embracing your strengths and capabilities and practising kindness towards yourself is vital for transforming your thoughts of self-doubt and making you a self-confident and balanced person.

Simon Benn

Simon Benn is a London-based style & lifestyle writer focused on international travel and luxury lifestyle.