I said no, and now I regret it- help!

I said no, and now I regret it- help!- Ad, Newcastle 

Hi Rosie. My wife and I have visited clubs previously, and we enjoyed the atmosphere but haven't played with others. A little while ago, she was working in a bar, and a guy started talking to her about a threesome. She came home and told me, and I said, let's do it. She took 6 weeks to arrange it, but this time she was messaging him a lot and saw him at the bar.

She wouldn't let me meet him or chat with him online. I stopped it because I thought something was going on between them—a move I regret, as I really wanted to do it. Was her behaviour wrong? Plus, how do I get her to try again without him? Ad, Newcastle

Hi Ad, thank you for your message. It sounds like you have been both cautious and frustrated with this situation. I believe that ultimately if you were feeling uncomfortable or concerned about the situation, you did the right thing when you called time on it. But this doesn't mean you can't pursue another threesome scenario; it just means that before you do, rules and boundaries need to be established, which include factors that will allow you to feel comfortable with it. The establishment of rules and boundaries is of paramount importance to any ENM relationship.

I wouldn't say your wife's behaviour was wrong- maybe she just needed time to figure out what the guy was all about before introducing him to her relationship but also, having transparency in all interactions sounds like something which is important to you when involving other people so this needs to be taken into consideration. Maybe she was unsure of your reaction if you read the messages; she might have needed reassurance that you were supportive of their interaction. Or maybe she was enjoying the sudden attention she was receiving and became defensive over the conversation. Whatever the reason, not having transparency doesn't work for you, so you need to discuss that with her.

Suppose you want to suggest having another threesome with your wife. In that case, you need to be honest about the things which made you feel uncomfortable- not necessarily the threesome itself or the involvement of the other person but more interactions between her and him that you felt left out of. This may not be what she wants to hear, but I think it's an important conversation to have I think what's so important to remember is that even though you're looking for people to have a threesome with i.e. you are only looking for a short-term interaction or a night, for many women they still need to know quite a lot about someone (man or woman) before they are intimate with them and sometimes the getting to know someone process can be an integral part of the Swinging itself. It could be that your wife feels this is important. So maybe take time to ask her if this is the case, but understand that if it is, then you'll need to find a way to incorporate this into any future meetings.

In answer to your final question, 'How do I get her to try again without him?' Talk to her about how you were very much in support of having a threesome, but you don't want it to jeopardise your relationship or ruin what you have potentially. The last thing you want is for your relationship to be under threat. Explain that you want to to both feel comfortable and talk about what made you feel uncomfortable last time. Instead of suggesting potential scenarios, invite her to share her fantasies with you without feeling as though she is then going to be pressured to commit to them immediately.

Here is an example of what I mean: 

'I love what we have, and I love that I can be so open with you. I want our relationship to be cherished and nurtured and for us to discuss our fantasies with each other'. 

Rosie xx

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