What Is It Like Seeing Your Partner With Someone Else?

For many of us, seeing our partner with someone else is the stuff of our nightmares. Watching as they kiss, touch, and, well, get it on with another person (usually of the opposite sex) is, for the majority of couples, the one thing they are absolutely terrified of. Or are they?

Are there, instead, some couples who actively enjoy watching their partner with someone else? And do all couples feel the same about seeing their dear beloved in the throws of passion with another person? If you have ever wondered what it is like to see your partner with someone else, this post will give you an insight into what that’s like.

Not only will I share with you the negatives, the fear of the unknown, the worry, and the not-so-positive experiences I’ve had, but also the positive relationship-enriching ones I’ve shared too.

My experience of it

I am no different from anyone who's reading this. And years ago, when I first had the ‘shall we start swinging conversation’ with a previous partner, my initial thought process sounded a little like this:

‘I’ll never be able to see him someone else; I’ll be too jealous’

This was closely followed by

‘What if I see he’s enjoying sex with her more than he enjoys sex with me?’

I was doubtful I’d get any pleasure out of it. And why would I? Up until that point, I, like you and the many 100’s of other people out there who have had the conversation, was convinced that seeing my partner with someone else would be a step too far, and from the moment I cast my eyes upon his dick sliding into her, my world would crumble, and I would be left relationshipless, manless and heartbroken.

I can now confidently say that this didn’t happen. Quite the opposite happened. And whilst it didn’t turn me on per se, what it did do was make me realise that sex was just sex and sure, she was enjoying it, and yes, he was enjoying it too, but it didn’t mean all the love he had for me was suddenly sucked out of our relationship in a giant henry hoover. Or that I suddenly felt differently towards him. Okay, the fact that she and I had already devoured each other was probably one reason that I didn’t feel so on edge about it, but it was still a new experience for me. Emotions that arise A topic I often talk to my clients about is that it’s okay to know how you feel about something, and sometimes having mixed emotions is the right answer. After all, if we have never experienced a situation before, how can we know how we will respond?

I have learned and begun to appreciate over the years that in some situations, we respond according to how we have been conditioned to respond. Let me explain. We have been conditioned by society to believe in and practice monogamous relationships. Whilst I can’t change this (it’s futile for me to try), we have also been taught that any kind of threat to our relationship must be fought off. Sometimes our initial reaction to anything or anyone threatening to disrupt our monogamous lives is instantly met with jealousy and hostility.

What Is It Like Seeing Your Partner With Someone Else

Essentially, we don’t know how to respond as we haven’t been taught or even allowed to consider that there are other ways to live. So I understand how we can suddenly jump on the defensive, as I did when we think about our partners with someone else. Ethical non-monogamy is sharing something really intimate without necessarily being intimate together.

Jealousy

It’s okay to be jealous. Jealousy is an entirely natural behaviour and is apparent in all relationships; accepting that jealousy is a natural emotion is the first step, and not letting it define you is the second. Remember, it’s how we respond to jealous situations, not jealousy itself, that causes the upset. By acknowledging it, accepting it and moving forward, we don’t have to let jealousy overwhelm us and our involvement in the lifestyle. When previous partners have confided in me that they have felt jealous, we have discussed it, explored why that was and found a solution. Sometimes part of dealing with jealousy is verbalising your thoughts and listening to your partner’s response.

Jealous and envious thoughts come from self-comparison and insecurity. There will always be individuals around us who make us feel insecure, but they only have a minimal impact on who you are and the life you lead. This is what I am referring to when I realised that my partner having sex with another woman was just sex. It didn’t mean he suddenly loved me less or that he wanted to be with her more. It didn’t really mean anything other than right there, in that moment, we were both enjoying sex together and we were sharing something intimate, without necessarily being intimate together.

Insecurity

There will always be individuals around us who make us feel a little insecure, but they only have a minimal impact on who you are and the life you lead. If you are a fantastic person, with a kind heart and lots of qualities, then you have no reasons to be jealous of Jane with the big tits; because this is all she has. Once you have life right where you want it, insignificant factors such as a person with larger physical attributes or more charm are just that, irrelevant!

And yes, we all feel insecure, but this is why we have rules in boundaries in place to protect ourselves so that we don’t put ourselves or our partners in situations that might be detrimental to them or us. For example, if you feel insecure or worried about other people reaching out to your partner with messages on online swinger sites, or couples or singles sending messages on WhatsApp groups to them, implement a rule that states you only chat together or both have access (login and password) to the swinger sites so you can join in the conversation or not feel excluded from them. If you have set up a whats-app group to communicate, then state you will only chat when both of you are present, thus avoiding feeling left out.

Excitement

This one took me by surprise! I wasn’t expecting to feel excited when I saw my partner with another woman. Although I didn’t find it an immediate ‘turn-on’ in the traditional sense, the more we experienced it, the more we began to enjoy different aspects of what we were involved in. Eye contact, nonverbal communication and sex acts/ seduction all became part of the experience.

A few years later, I began swinging with someone who liked to incorporate BDSM and Sub/Dom into Ethical Non-Monogamy, and that opened up whole new ways to play and involve others. Without being graphic, watching him being other people’s slaves was very satisfying indeed!

Does it mean I’m a cuck?

I received this question recently from one of my coaching clients who asked me ‘If I go to a club with a club with a woman and I watch her have sex with another guy, does this make me a cuck?’ Before I answer the question, this topic raises a few points I want to cover. What makes someone a cuck or cuckold? Well, in my experience, and yes, I have done this to several men; at their request, of course, them being a cuck has been incorporated several different ways whilst swinging, and them watching me being with other people has featured. But in my experience, it takes a lot more than simply my male partner watching me with someone else to turn them from ‘boyfriend’ to ‘cuckold’.

It’s not the act itself but how we as individuals interpret the act that is under the microscope here. I believe that the real crux of this topic stems from the male partner feeling somewhat emasculated by seeing his wife or girlfriend with someone else, and feeling cuckolded without wanting to, which is how he interprets the situation. Oh, and does watching your wife with another man make you a cuck? No, not unless you want it to!

Negatives

There are, of course, a few negatives associated with watching your partner with someone else. And although feeling jealous is negative in most people’s opinions, jealousy can be understood and rationalised. What I find hard to comprehend is when your basic rules and boundaries are disregarded in front of you, and you bear witness to your partner doing something you both agreed wouldn’t happen. This happened to me, and I’m sorry to say that from that point, I could no longer not see what I saw and, subsequently, no longer saw that guy. So although this negative is more to do with rule-breaking than Seeing Your Partner With Someone Else, it was still the nature of how I discovered the rule-breaking that I found upsetting.

How To Prepare Yourself -Top Tips

• Learn how to separate love and sex (this is actually easier for men than it is for women). Not sure how to do this? Read my article on How To Be A Successful Swinger Couple.
• Understand that you can give consent without needing to participate and that being present without being involved is perfectly fine.
• Voyeurism is hugely popular in swinger clubs, and if you are playing in a more public or open space, you will be watched.
• For many couples, seeing their partner engaging in softer play or soft swap is a huge turn-on, especially if it takes them to their limits. That is such a thrill and, for many, a huge turn-on.