Do we have to DO anything when swinging?

One question I hear frequently and can certainly relate to is: Do we have to DO anything when swinging?

I remember when I first got involved in the lifestyle, and one of my biggest fears was having to do things that I wasn’t comfortable doing. And later, when I became a single female swinger, again, I was worried that I would feel pressure from couples, especially, to play with them. I wanted to make a piece of content that offers you answers from two perspectives- that of a single male and that of a first-time couple. I received both of these questions recently, and when I read them, I knew they were too good to keep to myself.

Plus, I knew the askers would be one of many with these concerns. So… Do we have to DO anything when swinging? Let’s find out!

Single Male: Do I have to DO anything when swinging

Hi Rosie, I’m a single male who recently purchased a ticket for a swinger's party. I’m really excited about going; this will be my first-ever large-scale swinger event! But I have a few concerns. Am I expected to get involved from the offset? And how can I watch without being branded a pervert? As a single man, I worry that people might expect me to dive straight in, and that’s not what I’m about. Can you please help me?

Thank you for your question; as you can imagine, I have spoken to many men in the swinger lifestyle over the years about sexual performance, expectations and the stigma they face. Many men falsely believe they will be expected to ‘perform’ at a swinger’s party with little to no conversation or consideration regarding what they want. Here’s a reality check; no one expects you to be rock solid and ready to get involved from the get-go! Whatever you think male swingers need to be like, rest assured, they don’t. 

Sadly, there is a gross double standard concerning sexual performance. I believe the pressure many men encounter is based upon an unrealistic expectation generated by porn, misinformation and blatant false advertising of the swinging world. Guys, swinging isn’t a group of men walking around with rock-hard erections, instantly ready to stick them in anyone and everyone. It’s just not. Feeling pressure to perform is damaging, especially for first-time male swingers. If you have never been to a club or swingers party, then there’s a good chance that in your mind, there is an expectation on you to perform time and time again.

Let me clarify a few things; firstly, no one has sex for hours on end. You can play with people for a time, stop, grab a drink, chat, meet other people, play with them, and then relax again. I’ve never been to a party where it’s been straight down to business, sex, solid for 4 hours! There’s a difference between being a voyeur and being branded a pervert. And what I’m going to say next applies to all those who are quick to jump on the ‘he’s a pervert’ bandwagon. Before you brandish those who enjoy voyeurism as perverts, remember it’s unrealistic to get your kit off and have sex in a swinger club and be surprised that people are watching, especially if you are not in a private space or room. After all, if you are comfortable enough to play in a more ‘public’ area, you can’t always control who watches.

If you want to watch people playing, you can do one of two things: Ask them for their consent. Some people are exhibitionists who enjoy the thrill of being watched, and if you ask them, ‘Is it ok if I watch?’, this can go a long way. In addition to being polite and respectful, you can also ensure you are in the right area. Chances are, if a couple is in a more ‘public’ space or orgy area, they don’t object to being watched. There have been occasions I have been at a party and seen single men lurking outside private playrooms or trying to barge in on the action. When single men go uninvited into a room where the door has been closed or stand and watch the action, sometimes reaching out to touch the participants without any prior communication, this behaviour is a no-no!

Couple do we have to DO anything when swinging?

Hi Rosie, my wife and I recently joined a swingers website and have enjoyed discovering more about the lifestyle; it all looks so sexy and exciting! We are considering purchasing tickets for a swinger's party as it looks like an excellent opportunity to meet other swingers. Still, my wife especially is worried that we might find ourselves in a position where we feel as though we have to get involved in something we are not ready for. We have never swapped with a couple, and we are worried that we might be expected to do something with it being such a busy event. Although I’d like to swap with another couple, I need more time for this, and I know my wife certainly isn’t ready. Can we watch without having to do something?

I know that attending a swinger party can feel incredibly daunting, especially if it is your first time and you have no idea what to expect. And, understandably, you are feeling nervous about it; there will be a lot to enjoy and 100’s of fellow swingers! However, it’s important to remember that the organisers will be welcoming new swingers and will have been in your position.   

Always move at the least experienced person’s pace. Diving into too much too soon is not a good idea. More often than not, the woman is the less experienced and perhaps more apprehensive partner. So, move at a pace that suits her. Another thing you might want to consider is this: When you start swinging, emotions that you may haven’t prepared for may arise. It’s normal not to know how you will feel about a situation until you experience it.

Experiencing a full swap or group scenario can take time to work toward, so if you wish to slow the process down, that’s perfectly understandable. Swinging is about mutual enjoyment, and although you may have to compromise occasionally, ‘taking one for the team’ is not swinging! Being coerced or pressured into doing something you are not entirely on board with or simply going along with proceedings to keep other swingers happy is not what being in the lifestyle is all about. If you end up ‘taking one for the team’, you will resent the lifestyle, and I don’t need to tell you that you will likely find little pleasure in whatever you are participating in.

Remember, not everyone has sex- I know! This is surprising. After all, if they aren’t having sex, what are they doing? They are watching, chatting, flirting, and relaxing. No rules state that you must have sex if you are at a swinger event. Some couples attend to simply watch and enjoy being in the company of other like-minded people. Sometimes, they have sex with one another whilst watching, and other times, they observe. Not everyone is stripping off and getting down and dirty! Some couples attend with their partner as they find watching other people doing it an exciting, hot turn-on.

Do we have to DO anything? Here are my top tips:

• Stop putting yourself under pressure to perform- no one expects you to be hot and ready for action from the get-go!
• Understand that everyone has to start somewhere, and everyone around you has been in the same position as you!
• Enjoy it for what it is, and give yourselves some credit! You are doing what a lot of people only fantasise about!
• It is almost impossible not to feel self-conscious and nervous, especially if you are wearing something quite revealing or sexy and showing more of your body than usual.
• But remember, you don’t have to strip off as soon as you arrive, and even if you do decide to get undressed, you don’t have to remove everything.

Love, Rosie x