Here at Thiskindagirl, I want to bring you all the answers you are looking for. And how better to do this than a dedicated Swinger Lifestyle FAQ article? This article is a round-up of the most popular questions and topics that my followers send me on social media and by email.

Get clued up and swinger smart before you get completely confused about the lifestyle!

WHAT IS SWINGING?

Swinging is a form of ethical non-monogamy, where sexual inhibitions are extended past the committed relationship of two people. Swingers are couples (though there is room for single people in the lifestyle too) who choose to have an open relationship, thus, allowing their partners to have sex with other people without fear of jeopardising their existing relationship. This sexual freedom extends into having intimacies and sex with other consenting swinger couples and singles.

Swapping with your wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend comes with many benefits. When swinging, you primarily focus on sexual activity instead of a deeper, emotional connection. You get all the benefits of your existing relationship while actively swapping partners. I believe swinging can create a relationship where both parties enjoy communication, trust and the ability to discuss sexual desire. Single people can also be swingers, but is it predominantly associated with couples. Single people do get involved in the lifestyle, and many clubs host nights where singles are welcome.

IS SWINGING CHEATING?

Many people ask this question and for a good reason. If you type swinging into Google, cheating and swinging are displayed as popular topics. All couples define cheating slightly differently, and you will have your own opinions as to what constitutes cheating behaviour. For me, cheating is the act of being deliberately deceitful behind your partners back for your gratification. Cheating can take on many different forms, such as seeking out emotional attachment, spending time secretly with someone else or sending and deleting secret text messages or emails. It can also be in the form of sharing intimacies with another person, such as kissing and sex behind your partners back.

Cheating isn’t always physical; it can take on many disguises. One similarity found in all forms of deception is that you are behaving in a deliberately deceitful way. However, if you have honest and open communication from the beginning, you avoid cheating and dishonest behaviour. With swinging, you always have a shared, mutual understanding and personal rules that you follow. You aren’t cheating, as you are both aware of the situation beforehand. Understandably, your partner is going to have concerns about starting swinging; listen to them and find a solution together. I can’t tell you what rules to follow, and I’m sure you will discuss what constitutes cheating, but an agreement must be made before you can move forward into the swinging lifestyle.

HOW CAN I MEET SWINGERS?

There are many different ways to meet swingers, and this question is one that I am sent almost daily. Dear thiskindagirl, how can I find swingers?

• Social Media– like-minded kinksters often like the same content- Try using different #s and look for educators online.

• Swinger Clubs– it’s a safe assumption the singers will be in swingers club! Not sure where to find clubs? Read any of my reviews or articles on where to find swinger clubs or check out the map here on CNM4US! 

• Online Communities– There are a number of online swinger communities, and I have one of my own. Join my tribe here on CNM4US in the
• TKG area! • Swinger Cruises- Swinger holidays! It’s a thing!

HOW CAN I CONVINCE MY PARTNER TO START SWINGING?

Probably the question I am asked the most frequently! In order to have a successful swinger relationship, you have to be prepared to compromise and work together to make the lifestyle work for you. There will be compromises, and you have to be prepared to reach a mutual understanding; respecting one another’s opinions is really important. By explaining that you want to share the swinging experience with your partner, you demonstrate that you can’t imagine doing it with anyone else. You want to experience and enjoy the lifestyle together and grow as a couple. Listen to their reservations and fears. Understandably, your partner is going to have concerns about starting swinging; listen to them and find a solution together. If one partner thinks swinging will ruin the relationship, ask them why? Then address these reasons, are they founded in anything specific.

Remind your partner that they are loved and adored regardless of being involved in the swinger lifestyle. Make sure you enter the lifestyle for the right reasons; if you desire to see your wife with another woman, but she is in no way Bi-curious, you may have to rethink your motivations. Taking things slowly is vital. Only move at a pace the least comfortable or experienced person is happy with; slow things down if you are getting too overwhelmed. Look at swinger dating sites and read blogs and other people’s experiences of swinging together to get a realistic idea of the lifestyle. Educate yourselves before you consider getting involved!

I WANT TO TRY SWINGING, BUT I AM WORRIED I WILL FEEL JEALOUS

Jealousy is an entirely natural behaviour and is apparent in all in relationships; accepting that jealousy is a natural emotion is the first step, not letting it define you is the second. Remember, it’s how we respond to jealous situations, not jealousy itself, that causes the upset. By acknowledging it, accepting it and moving forward, we don’t have to let jealousy overwhelm us and our involvement in the lifestyle. Jealous and envious thoughts come from self-comparison and insecurity. It doesn’t matter how great looking you are; there will always be someone, somewhere, whos just a little bit more than you are. There will always be individuals around us who make us feel insecure, but they only have a minimal impact on who you are and the life you lead. If you are a fantastic person with a kind heart and lots of qualities who works hard to build a beautiful partnership, then you have no reasons to be jealous. Others may try and compete with you, but once you have life right where you want it, insignificant factors such as a person with better physical attributes or more charm are just that, irrelevant!

WHY DO I WANT TO START SWINGING?

Swinging is a healthy outlet for our innermost sexual urges and desires. The urge to have sex is part of our DNA; we can’t turn it off! When we are in relationships, we already have all the emotional attachments we desire from our chosen partner. The urge to have sex outside of this attachment, to get that oxytocin hit we all crave, simply becomes just that, a physical desire you crave as a human being. We can't turn it off; it is pre-programmed for us. We can suppress it; be miserable, act on it; cheat, or embrace it with our partners, i.e. swinging! Sex while swinging is to merely complement an already existing excellent sex life between an emotionally exclusive couple. A successful swinger relationship is about building honesty. It’s about sharing, understanding and exploring sexual desires and fantasies. To Swing is to create a safe environment for both parties to express parts of their character that are usually kept hidden.

ANY ADVICE FOR SINGLE MEN WANTING TO GET INVOLVED?

• Be realistic. Don’t expect to have sex with the first couple you meet. Just because you are at the party, it doesn’t automatically guarantee you will have sex!
• Accept rejection gracefully! Rejection is common, and it happens to us all, I’m afraid!
• Take time to create proper swingers dating profile.
• Be prepared to make an effort when contacting clubs and event organisers. If you want to be granted membership, you have to work hard.
• Be confident! Easier said than done, I know, but the sexiest swingers are not the ones with the six-pack abs but the ones with natural charisma and charm!
• Approach swinger couples as a couple; don’t just focus on the person you want to have sex with, be respectful of both people. There’s a lot more to successful swinging than being great in bed! Successful swingers know how to build up a connection, create sexual chemistry and engage with men and women alike, regardless of their sexuality.

ANY ADVICE FOR SINGLE WOMEN WANTING TO GET INVOLVED?

• Swinging can be a great opportunity to dress up and feel sexy, like really sexy! It’s amazing how liberating it can be to express parts of your character that usually stay hidden.
• Accept Jealous And Envious Emotions And Move Forward. The more we try to ignore an envious thought, the more it grows. We replay whatever scenario it stems from in our heads until it overwhelms us. Don’t let this happen! Communicate your emotions with your partner and discuss how you are feeling. To learn more about jealousy and swinging, have a look at my in-depth post
• Reconnecting after swinging is essential. It doesn’t matter in what capacity you have ‘swung’; whether you have met a couple for a vanilla date, chatted online to a single guy or been nipple deep in an orgy, you need to take time to reconnect after swinging.
• If you are single and wish to swing with a couple, then accept that they have their own lives to lead; you shouldn’t expect too much from them. If it’s an emotional connection you’re seeking, then swinging with a couple probably won’t provide this as they are already emotionally invested in one another.
• Don’t be afraid to seek out swinger friends; they can offer you the best advice, especially when starting out. Having a unicorn friend you can have a social drink with is a great idea as you can chat about swinging in a private, safe environment.
• Embrace the body you have and be more than just your looks. The more you bring to the table, the more you have to bargain with.

CAN SINGLE MEN VISIT SWINGER CLUBS?

Yes, however, single guys do have to jump through a lot of hoops to attend some clubs and events before they are given the green light. No one is ever going to say you can’t join because your dick isn’t big enough either, so don’t even go there! This doesn’t mean you can’t attend; it just means you have to be serious about attending. Some clubs do expect you to submit an application form to be considered for membership in the first place. Availability for single male tickets is limited so if you want to be involved, then you have to put the effort in. This doesn’t mean being aesthetically pleasing and having a rippling six pack. It means following the rules, learning about the lifestyle, and demonstrating to club owners and other swingers you understand and appreciate what swinging is all about. No one is ever going to say you can’t join because your dick isn’t big enough either, so don’t even go there!

WHAT IS IT LIKE TO VISIT A SWINGERS CLUB FOR THE FIRST TIME?

I know that walking into a club is daunting, especially if it is your first time and you have no idea of what to expect. And the same applies if you are heading to a large club or a smaller house party. It’s important to remember that the hosts are there to welcome you, show you around and answer any questions you have. Any great swinger party organiser will take their time to make their guests feel relaxed and comfortable. It is almost impossible not to feel self-conscious and nervous, especially if you are wearing something quite revealing or sexy and showing more of your body than usual. But remember, you don’t have to strip off as soon as you arrive, and even if you do decide to get undressed, you don’t have to remove everything. Take a deep breath, relax, and remember that everyone is there for the same reasons, and they all started once.

DO WOMEN ENJOY SWINGING?

Within many MF couples, the man suggests they try swinging, but the woman makes it happen and, very often, keeps making it happen. But you don’t have to be in a relationship to start swinging or wait for your partner to suggest it. You can swing as a single woman and then introduce a new partner to it. Some clubs cater primarily to single women, and female-led swinging is rising. If women didn’t enjoy swinging, these events and clubs wouldn’t exist! Swinging Builds Confidence. You are riddled with self-doubt, insecurity, and fear when you first start swinging. I was terrified the first time I was in a club; I was very apprehensive about getting undressed. I thought I would be far too shy to get my kit off and get involved in the action! How wrong could I be? I have grown in confidence through swinging, and my self-esteem has been given an enormous boost.

Swinging empowers women. Regardless of how you like to have sex, and with whom you like to have it. You become empowered when you take charge of your sexual desires and facilitate your fantasies. Women who enjoy swinging don’t wait for their partners to suggest new experiences and passively go along with whatever is decided. They discuss what they want to experience and what they want to try and then set about making it happen! If a woman is a single swinger, she knows what she wants and doesn’t wait for the right person to come along. She fulfils her own sexual needs and desires and becomes more sexually confident through swinging than she ever thought possible.

HELP MY PARTNER WANTS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?

To suddenly feel jealousy, insecurity, and fear is completely natural Many people falsely believe that one person wanting an open relationship spells the end of life as you know it. And that your partner wants to either replace you, or they no longer love you, or doesn’t find you sexy and desirable anymore or wants to have an affair. I know exactly how it feels when your partner suggests you open up your relationship, and I also know how it feels to be the one suggesting it to your partner. The first thing many people experience, and I do understand why, is fear and apprehension. Our relationships are our private worlds; we nurture and cherish them, defending them against outsiders and keeping them sacred.

Responding with fear is normal, but overcoming and understanding why we experience relationship anxiety in the first place is the next step. I know it is easier said than done, but let me assure you if I can do it, so can you. Having an open relationship does not mean your partner is going to leave you. They want to go on this journey with you, so gain reassurance from that.

I’M SCARED OF REJECTION FROM MY PARTNER

Opening up to your partner is a scary prospect; once we start talking about sex, intimacy and non-monogamy, we leave ourselves pretty vulnerable. Regardless of how your partner brings up the topic of having an open relationship; it’s essential to remember that it takes a great deal of courage and vulnerability to speak about sexual desires. So even if you are not on board with it, don’t dismiss or ridicule your partner for being open. Just because you haven’t brought it to the table, it doesn’t mean it should go undiscussed. When you start viewing an ethically non-monogamous relationship as a journey for you both to go on, instead of an obstacle or challenge, your relationship starts to grow. You begin communicating in ways you haven’t done before, discussing possibilities that you didn’t think were feasible, and as a couple, you become more grounded and secure.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT STARTING SWINGING

When you swing, you evolve as a couple; you are continually exploring and facilitating desires It is natural that when we introduce the SWINGER word into our relationships, we are subject to a flurry of emotions. To suddenly feel jealousy, insecurity, and fear is completely natural. Our relationships are our private worlds; opening them up to the public is not something we are taught how to do effortlessly!

It is a scary prospect but doesn’t have to be.

• Approach the topic from a place of love and understanding.
• Never surprise or trick your partner into swinging. It won’t work, trust me!
• Explore different terminology used by swinger couples. Soft swap, full swap, same room are all different swinger situations.
• You should only ever go as far as the least comfortable person is willing to explore. Expecting too much too soon or placing unrealistic pressures on yourself will be detrimental to your relationship.
• There is no rush to discover swinging
• Trust takes time to build up; understanding and appreciating one another’s sexual desires is a lifelong process.

DOES SWINGING RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

In a word, no, but there’s more to it than that! What swinger couples have is a deep emotional attachment to one another. I believe swinging is the most helpful way of responding to your body’s needs and desires. It encourages us to embrace who we are without jeopardising what we already have. I identify as bisexual; I always have and always will. Without swinging as an outlet, what would I do? Suppress my urges and be unhappy, unable to embrace who I am? Go behind my loved ones back to fulfil these needs in secret and risk losing his trust and him in the process? No way! Swinging is a healthy and natural way of ensuring these desires are met.

Successful swinging combines so many different factors, and clear communication throughout the whole process is vital. Having met a variety of couples over the years, all with different ideas about swinging, one thing has always stood out for me. They all present themselves as a rock-solid team, with an impenetrable core bond. They may meet other people who are younger, more attractive and perhaps kinkier. But what these couples have is a deep emotional attachment to one another.

They understand that the desires that are acting upon are simply their bodies response to being in a long term relationship. These couples understand that their bond with their chosen partner is built on so much more than just sex. Although it was sex that initially drew them together, deep emotional attachment and fulfilment on both sides are what keeps them in love. When you swing, you evolve as a couple; you are continually exploring and facilitating desires as opposed to suppressing them or acting alone.