This is why you are struggling to meet people on swinger dating sites

You need to be an invested ‘online dater’.

Any form of online dating, ENM or not, requires a level of investment if you actually want to meet someone. If you simply want to hook up fu&k around or are not sure what you are looking for, lol, then this article isn’t for you. Look away now. But if you want to meet someone or some people with genuine intentions, i.e. swinger couples, then you will want to continue reading.

Sometimes, when people approach me about wanting my help on a 1-2-1 basis, their reason for doing so is not ‘Can you help me get started?’ but rather, ‘I don’t know where I’m going wrong?’

Several times a week, I receive emails, DMs and comments from people asking for my advice on a particular topic. ‘Why am I not getting anywhere?’ This is a very broad question, and the answer itself could be one of many, but one similarity I can guarantee is that investment, or a lack of it, is almost always to blame. So, I give to you, this is why you are struggling to meet people on swinger dating sites.

The places you are looking

The free-site mentality ‘I’ve signed up for a free swingers site and made a profile, but no one responds to my messages; what am I doing wrong?’ There’s nothing wrong per se with the free sites, but you have to understand that they are only ever going to be of limited use because with free sites comes what I call ‘The free site mentality’.

Explicit pictures do very little to attract other people’s attention. Sure, they are startling, but not in a good way.

How much value do we place on things that are free? You get a free Coke at the drive-through; it doesn’t matter if you don’t drink it all; it was free. You get a free T-shirt at the store if you buy two T-shirts in a particular range. It doesn’t matter if you don’t wear it or send it around on the wrong wash; it was free. You are given an extra side of chips, and you don’t eat them, so they go to waste, but it doesn’t matter because, yeah, you guessed it, they were free.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Humans don’t value free things or things we haven’t had to work for. And dating sites, swinger or otherwise, are exactly the same. If users don’t have to invest anything upfront, they aren’t going to invest anything long-term. You sign up for a free dating site but only spend 5 minutes on your profile; why? Because it is free. It doesn’t matter if you don’t use it; you haven’t had to pay for it.

Essentially, you haven’t had to do anything to get established online besides making a very basic profile, so where’s the incentive to do more? With this free mentality comes a general lack of interest, investment and understanding of what the lifetsyle or any dating site, really entails. Because the sites don’t ask for anything, the users don’t feel the need to give anything. And this is where they are going wrong.

The hookup mentality

‘We signed up for an adult dating site but keep getting ‘wanna hook up messages, and when couples do message us, they don’t appear to be very genuine profiles; what are we doing wrong?’

Ah, the hookup site. When I receive messages like this, I always reply with ‘What sites are you using?’ and if the sender replies with a less reputable swinger dating site, or what I like to call a ‘hook up site’ Adult friend finder for example, then I can pretty quickly determine the problem.

If you choose to use a hookup site, even if you don’t realise that the site is a hookup site, then you will be met with what I call the ‘hookup mentality’. Sometimes, it’s not always your fault; you sign up for these sites in the hope of finding other adults to connect with, and I know that when you type ‘swinger dating sites’ into Google, there are, amongst the genuine ones, a fair few fake ones and ‘hook up’ ones, masquerading as genuine sites, and if you are new to the lifestyle, then chances are, you won’t know the difference.

Unfortunately, a few pictures of you getting down to it and three sentences in your bio isn’t going to cut it.

As with the free site mentality, the users on these sites are not overly invested in the lifetsyle and very often, they have adopted the hookup mindset, (in vanilla dating, I’d call it the Tinder mindset), which is exactly as it sounds. If a site is called Adult Friend Finder or Adult Meet Up, then chances are that’s what people will expect to experience. So if you are not looking for a quicky or a hookup (and let’s face it, genuine couples rarely are), then I’m afraid these sites are not worth your time.

The expectant mentality

‘I’ve signed up, made a profile, and sent some messages expecting to hear back from people, but I am still waiting for someone to reply; why am I not getting anywhere?

Much like visiting a swingers club and being surprised that you don’t automatically get involved in the action, this type of mentality is, unfortunately, another that I come across repeatedly. This person perhaps pays for membership to a site, but other than signing up, paying monthly and sending a few messages, they do very little to engage with others or apply any creative flair to their profile. Sure, they have a profile picture (sometimes this is of their genitals), and they have filled in the basics, but other than that, they haven’t really sold themselves. You have to remember that to stand out online, you must put in some effort and make yourself appealing.

Unfortunately, a few pictures of you getting down to it and three sentences in your bio isn’t going to cut it. The marketplace is flooded with profiles like this, and you will often be overlooked and disregarded. Sure, you are interested in the lifestyle, and yes, your intentions are genuine, but your profile is generic, your pictures too explicit, and your messages are very lacklustre.

How do I know all this? Because I work with clients who have these very profiles and turn them from bland and boring to too good to miss!

What does your profile say about you?

Here’s something that many people, especially men, get wrong, although if you are a couple or woman, listen up too.

First impressions count, and if you have a picture of your genitals, naked torso, or other explicit images on your main profile, then I’m afraid this isn’t going to send out the right message.

Over-sexualised, explicit or graphic pictures do very little to attract other people’s attention. Sure, they are startling, but not in a good way. It’s really hard to build up a rapport with someone if all you have to go off is a picture of their dick and a few sentences about themselves. Another reason that these types of pictures don’t appeal is that they make it hard for sexual chemistry and intrigue to be built up.

If a person has seen ‘it all’, then there’s little left to be desired. Also, if you focus on one area of your body, or body part, then this reduces you down to little more than that body part in the eyes of the receiver, and I’m quite sure I’m right when I say that this is not the image that you want to portray right? But it does. You are more than a picture of your dick or a pair of boobs, so why do you allow this to lead the interaction? Body parts can come later; people are interested in who you are, not what your anatomy looks like.

What do your interactions say about you?

How do you respond when people write to you? Are you engaged in the conversation? Do you reply with one-word answers? Do you copy and paste the same message to all the people you see ‘online now’? If you sheepishly admitted to any of the above, don’t worry; I’m here to help you. A good indication of how serious someone is about us, or the world of online dating in general, is how much time and effort they put into their responses or initial messages. If you are guilty of the ‘hey, how are you?’ then there’s a reason you aren’t getting anywhere. This generic message is probably the blandest interaction you could initiate; it is the conversational version of the shrug or half smile. Eww.

As for one-word answers, for the receiver, they do very little to instigate conversation, and it’s hard to become conversational with someone who replies with a yea, no, maybe, or a lol. The more you say, the more questions you ask, the more interested you are, and the further you get.

How hard are you working, really?

When people approach me asking for my help or book an initial call with me, I am always transparent about two things. Firstly you have to be prepared to work hard if you want to be a success, and secondly, I’m not magic; I can’t make people swing with you, as ultimately, there are too many variables at play. I always say you can enjoy the lifestyle if you are prepared to work hard, but what do I mean by this?

1. Make a profile that is engaging, intriguing and exciting to read. A profile that demonstrates you are serious about the lifestyle and your intentions. Not sure how to do this? Here are a few top tips to get you started.

2. Invest in a good quality swinger dating site. If you want to meet genuine swingers, it makes sense to be where they are, and in most cases, they are using sites full of fellow genuine swingers. There’s no point in using the free or the hookup sites, as they simply waste your precious time.

3. Take time to learn about the lifestyle. Swinger Lifestyle blogs, podcasts, YouTube channels, social media and magazines are all available and at your disposal. When I first started in the lifestyle, there was no information or help available, other than from the people I met in clubs and at parties, but that meant attending without any prior knowledge. However, you don’t have to do this, as you can find out exactly what the lifestyle is like before you get involved. It pays to do some research. What are couples looking for in single male swingers? How do vanilla dates with other swinger couples work? How do you approach others in clubs? The answers are all there, but you have to take the first steps.

4. Be an engaged member of the online community. Some of us look online but remain in the background, waiting for people to come to us. Others put themselves out there and engage with others first via discord communities, online communities and chats on the swinger websites.

Swinger Success is out there, and there’s no reason why you can’t be part of the lifestyle community. If you are inspired to take control of your experiences, start making it happen!