“Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life” by Justin Lehmiller is a fascinating exploration into the diverse world of human sexual fantasies. Drawing on one of the most extensive surveys of its kind, Lehmiller dives deep into the psychology behind what people fantasize about and why. This review will cover the main themes of the book, its strengths and weaknesses, and the broader implications of its findings.

Overview and Key Themes

Lehmiller’s book is rooted in a large-scale study involving over 4,000 participants across the United States. The study aimed to uncover the content of people's sexual fantasies, the frequency with which they fantasize, and the psychological and demographic factors influencing these fantasies. The result is a comprehensive look at the desires that many keep hidden from the public eye.

The book is structured around the most common types of fantasies, which Lehmiller categorizes into seven primary themes:

1. Multi-partner sex: Fantasies involving threesomes, orgies, and other forms of group sex.
2. Power, control, and rough sex: Fantasies that involve dominance, submission, BDSM, and other dynamics of power.
3. Novelty, adventure, and variety: Fantasies about trying new things, from different sexual positions to unique locations.
4. Taboo and forbidden sex: Fantasies involving things that are often considered taboo, such as infidelity or sex in public places.
5. Non-monogamy: Fantasies about open relationships, swinging, and polyamory.
6. Gender-bending and homoeroticism: Fantasies where individuals imagine themselves in different gender roles or explore same-sex encounters.
7. Romantic and emotional connection: Fantasies where emotional intimacy is as important as the physical act of sex.

Each theme is explored in detail, with Lehmiller providing not just the raw data but also the psychological underpinnings of why these fantasies might be appealing to people. He also addresses how societal norms, cultural backgrounds, and individual experiences shape sexual desires.

Strengths of the Book

One of the book’s strongest points is its empirical foundation. Lehmiller doesn’t rely on anecdotal evidence or small-scale studies; instead, he offers insights backed by rigorous data collection and analysis. This gives his conclusions a solid footing and allows readers to trust the accuracy of his findings.

Another strength is Lehmiller’s non-judgmental approach. He emphasizes that sexual fantasies are a normal and healthy part of human sexuality. He encourages readers to explore their own fantasies and communicate them with their partners, suggesting that doing so can lead to a more fulfilling sex life. This perspective is refreshing in a world where sexual fantasies are often stigmatized or misunderstood.

Lehmiller’s writing is also accessible and engaging. Despite dealing with complex psychological concepts and sensitive topics, he manages to present the material in a way that is easy to understand and relatable to a general audience. The use of real-life examples and the inclusion of quotes from survey participants help bring the data to life.

Weaknesses of the Book

While “Tell Me What You Want” offers a comprehensive overview of sexual fantasies, some readers might find the content repetitive. The structure of the book, where each chapter delves into a different type of fantasy, can sometimes feel like a formula is being followed, leading to a sense of predictability.

Additionally, while Lehmiller does an excellent job of describing what people fantasize about, the book is less focused on how to translate these fantasies into reality in a safe and consensual way. While there are some discussions on communication and consent, readers looking for detailed advice on how to incorporate their fantasies into their sex lives may find this aspect lacking.

Lastly, the book is primarily focused on the American context, which means some of the cultural insights may not be as applicable to readers from other parts of the world. While Lehmiller does acknowledge this limitation, it’s something to keep in mind for a global audience.

Broader Implications

Lehmiller’s findings have significant implications for our understanding of human sexuality. By normalizing sexual fantasies and encouraging open communication about them, the book challenges the often rigid and puritanical views on sex that prevail in many societies. It also highlights the diversity of sexual desires, showing that what might seem unusual or taboo is often quite common.

The book also contributes to the ongoing conversation about the role of sexuality in relationships. Lehmiller suggests that understanding and sharing fantasies can enhance intimacy and satisfaction in relationships, offering a pathway to deeper connection and mutual fulfillment.

Conclusion

“Tell Me What You Want” is an insightful, well-researched, and thought-provoking book that sheds light on the often-hidden world of sexual fantasies. Justin Lehmiller has done a commendable job of making a potentially uncomfortable topic accessible and informative. While the book has some limitations in terms of structure and applicability, it remains a valuable resource for anyone interested in better understanding their own sexual desires and those of others.

Whether you’re a casual reader curious about human sexuality, a professional in the field of psychology, or someone looking to improve their relationship, “Tell Me What You Want” offers valuable insights that can help you navigate the complex landscape of sexual desire.